SquawkRadio

Do you ever just pass a sign that makes you throw on your brakes, screech your tires and gape out the window of your car?  This happened to me recently in the charming Kentucky town of Cadiz when I passed this sign for a local beauty shop.  I believe it was Christina who observed that the arrow was pointing the wrong way.

I’m posting this pic as a Sticky so the other Squawkers can come in below and share their funny headlines or signs. 

And how about YOU?  Have you seen any signs, headlines, or typos lately that made you do a double take and go, “What WERE they thinking???”

I’m sure you all remember my local TV story last year when everyone in the studio started screaming “Nipple!  NIPPLE!!!” because my hero had boldly exposed his nipple in the stepback art of AFTER MIDNIGHT.  (This was shortly after the whole FCC/Janet Jackson debacle.) So I just wanted you to know that everything went smoothly this year during my appearance at our local station to promote THE VAMPIRE WHO LOVED ME.

Well...almost everything.  Except for the part where I slid into the car to go to the TV station and realized I was too fat to sit down in my suit.  You know how your skirt gets just a teensy bit snug around the hips and you notice the buttons down the front of your jacket are gaping open a meager 1/2 an inch so you try to squinch down your shoulders only to realize you’re developing a startling resemblance to the Hunchback of Notre Dame?  That’s when I began to suspect that I’d developed the most dreaded of all female complaints—back fat.  I knew that someday I’d have to pay for all of those torrid midnight flings with dozens of hot, anonymous Krispy Kremes, but why today of all days?  I expected them to go directly to my thighs, not wiggle their way up my spine!

I drive to the station, hunched over so that I can barely see over the steering wheel, but with all my buttons intact.  Before going in, I glance into the rearview mirror to freshen my lipstick.  I blink in horror.  What fresh hell is this? How could I have sprouted a full-fledged handlebar mustache in the time it took to get from home to the TV station?  So there I sit in the parking lot, New York Times bestselling author Teresa Medeiros, trying to trim her heretofore invisible mustache with a pair of nail clippers.  I could only pray that perhaps I would accidentally clip an artery and put myself out of my misery!

Being an optimist, I assume that things can only get better.  Until I walk into the station to find every man in the place leering at me.  Turns out the host has been reading my love scene aloud to the entire camera crew.  ("As she took him deeper than he ever thought possible, he arched off the bed with a guttural groan,” he recites with all of the gravity and glee of Olivier doing Richard III.) Since said host just happens to be a friend of mine, I gently try to explain that the love scene is the culmination of over 200 pages of courtship, tenderness and emotion and that reading it out of context is a Bad Thing.  He leers more deeply and all but twirls his own mustache as he explains, “But I’m a man.  We like things out of context!” (Hey, you can’t fault him for being honest!)

I’m happy to report that the interview went well.  The host was charming and debonair and didn’t read (or act out) a single one of my love scenes on-camera.  My TOP TEN REASONS FOR LOVING A VAMPIRE a la Letterman was a big hit.  Now if I could just get rid of this back fat! 

So if YOU knew you were going to be on TV in an hour, what’s the one thing about yourself that you would change???

http://www.teresamedeiros.com

“CHRISTINA DODD MAKES MAGIC!” says Christina Dodd

To heck with the rave reviews. The awful reviews are so much more entertaining. In A WELL FAVORED GENTLEMAN, the story is closely tied to the Celtic legend of selkies, creatures that are human on the land and seals in the water (if you’ve never seen it, The Legend of Roan Inish is wonderful!) The hero of AWFG is half-selkie, a dark, sexual, tormented man, and one of the Amazon reviews read, “This is one of the worst books I have ever read. I think relations between species are disgusting, and this book of selkie love is no exception.”

Relations between species? Guffaw! It’s not like the hero and heroine had sex while he was a seal. Although it would have put a whole new twist on the love scene. It would have sealed their relationship. If she cried afterward, he could have told her not to blubber. She could have given him a pet name — Flipper. And I guess he would be — brace yourselves — A WELL FLAVORED GENTLEMAN!

http://www.christinadodd.com

“TERESA MEDEIROS MAKES EVEN MORE MAGIC THAN CHRISTINA DODD!” says Teresa Medeiros

What a cruel topic to broach!  So little time!  So many choices!

Some of my favorite negative reviews came after BREATH OF MAGIC was published and several reviewers took the book to task for being “unrealistic.” Now the book is about a time-traveling witch who travels from 1692 to 1996 New York—on her broom!  I wasn’t exactly shooting for realism here.  Another reviewer wrote, “Oh, and the name *Arian* *White*wood also struck me as weird. But I’m sure that it’s not an undercover racial comment, just a weird coincidence.” Thank heavens I didn’t go with my first urge to name my heroine “Arian Caucasian”! 

A reviewer also wrote of LADY OF CONQUEST, “If this book had ended with the heroine leaving the hero and going to America, I probably would have liked it alot more.” That might have presented a bit of a creative challenge since the book was set in Ireland in A.D. 123.  The only way my heroine was getting to America was to flag down a hunky Viking captain.  But hey—everyone enjoys a hot Viking romance, right? 

But at least none of my heroines have ever been accused of having sex with a seal!

http://www.teresamedeiros.com

“CONNIE BROCKWAY TRANSCENDS MAGIC!” says Connie Brockway

What good are bad reviews? This is an excellent question and the answer often relies on the author whose book is being reviewed. Now, take for example me. I am a professional writer and as a professional writer I do not take personally any of the asinine comments that occasionally appear in-print or online when people with personality disorders are unaccountably given access to either medium in order to spew their venom into the collective face of the world. Not I. I remain impartial, instead using their rantings as a tool to hone my craft, to help me identify those areas in which I excel and those that taste-challenged individuals suggest need improvement. My only goal in all this is to be a better writer and to make my readers happy.

This is sometimes challenging. For instance, A Reviewer (you will note that A Reviewer is quite a prolific critic on Amazon.com) notes in his review of ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT, “There is no action, the plot is dull and both characters lacked the daring, passion and sensuality I seek in romance novels” but then turns around and says of THE BRIDAL SEASON: “...she is not cut out to be a writer of what is essentially light comedy.” (I know it’s the same critic because it’s signed, “A Reviewer”)

What’s an author to do?

What every author with the hide of a bull elephant wearing Teflon armor --which every author who’s been published longer than, oh, a week has: Keep writing!

(I’ll win A. Reviewer over yet or die trying!)

http://www.conniebrockway.com

“WHO NEEDS MAGIC OR CONNIE BROCKWAY WHEN YOU CAN HAVE AN ELIZABETH BEVARLY BOOK?!” says Elizabeth Bevarly

My only problem with writing about my bad reviews is trying to decide which one to pick. Just today, I found an Amazon review for MY ONLY VICE that complained about how there was too much sex in it. Hel-lo? It’s a BLAZE. Still, I guess if that’s the worst thing said, I should be grateful. I’ve also had my books called...oh, let me just run down the list here… “Weak, repetitive, formulaic, dumb, silly, disconnected, intrusive.” And that’s just for YOU’VE GOT MALE (which was nominated for a Rita last year).

Most of the criticism I hear for my books, however, runs along these lines:  “Plot: illogical.” “...too far-fetched to become palatable.” “The writing style undermined the reality of the characters, who are a little hard to believe in to begin with.” “Improbable...” “I didn’t buy it 100%...” “...didn’t strike me as real.” “Book is overwritten...situation was overblown...baby is overlooked...”

Hmmm… Losing credibility? Illogical? Far-fetched? Undermined reality? Hard to believe? Improbable? Didn’t buy it? Not real? Overblown? Ya know, I think I’m beginning to sense a pattern here. And all these reviews talk like those things are BAD. How very odd…

http://www.elizabethbevarly.com

“ELOISA JAMES WRITES THE VERY BEST QUOTES FOR HERSELF!” says Eloisa James

I’ve always believed in looking on the sunny side and I firmly believe that the trick to enjoying a review, even a bad one, is to read between the lines.  One reviewer wrote about POTENT PLEASURES, “Visions of Hannibal Lecter danced in my head.” (In my defense, all I wrote was, “Finally, he stole her tongue altogether and sucked it into his mouth.” I never implied that he wasn’t going to give it back!) This review can be easily edited into, “Eloisa James compared to #1 New York Times Bestselling Author Thomas Harris!”

And when a reviewer wrote about YOUR WICKED WAYS:  “This is almost as bad as James’ other book about sluts.  I hated that one too,” I decided to proclaim myself, “Eloisa James, Insightful Author of Slut-Driven Fiction.” Wasn’t Scarlett O’Hara something of a slut too?  Just how many husbands did the little minx have?  And what about Cathy in WUTHERING HEIGHTS?  She led Heathcliff on a merry chase, didn’t she?  I’m pretty sure I can parlay this one into “Eloisa James Writes Like a Combination of Margaret Mitchell and Emily Bronte!”

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go saute that first reviewer’s tongue with some fava beans and a nice chianti.

http://www.eloisajames.com

LISA KLEYPAS MAKES MAGIC!...OH WAIT A MINUTE...DID SOMEBODY ALREADY SAY THAT?” says Lisa Kleypas

Since I accepted long ago that criticism and negative reviews are part
of the profession, I’ve developed a fairly thick skin. I have learned
there will always be one-star reviews on Amazon which suggest that I
stop writing altogether for the sake of the poor slaughtered trees that
went into the production of my books.

Although I try to respond to negative reviews in a ladylike manner, I
sometimes find it an unholy temption when Amazon reviewers pose
questions in their analysis of my work.

For example, regarding “Dreaming Of You,” one reviewer asks,
“Is it just me, or are all these positive reviews insane?”

(Lisa wants to reply, but stuffs a sock in her mouth.)

Or another reviewer commenting on “Lady Sophia’s Lover” asks,
“Why does Kleypas have to put a sex scene in every chapter?”

(Because it’s “Lady Sophia’s Lover”, not “Lady Sophia’s Platonic
Friendship.")

Or this one about “Midnight Angel,” a novel featuring a wounded hero:  “Is this Hook meets Star Wars?”

(Lisa reaches for the sock again.)

Sorry, trees. You will continue to be sacrificed on the altar of my
keyboard.

http://www.lisakleypas.com

... Fast Eddie and Bonner

TERESA SHARES ONE OF HER FAVORITE PICS OF BUFFY THE MOUSE SLAYER...

This was the first day we brought her home. Notice the contrast between her fluffy adorability and the laser-like intensity of her serial killer eyes. She still likes to chew on my fingers.

TERESA WITH XTINA'S DARLING DOG

And since I don't have my own dog right now, Xtina was kind enough to let me share hers on a recent visit to her glorious Washington state home. Ritter fell in love with the powder blue slippers Xtina gave me and I fell in love with Ritter. I still miss lounging around on that lovely couch scratching his tummy every night!

Posted by Kitty Kuttlestone in • Stranger Than Fiction (Real Life) • The Writing UnLife
(16) Comments • Permalink

Okay, one last post before I go off-line for a week. I totally agree with Christina that I won't be trashing anyone's specific books or reputation on this Blog. Mostly because if you're a non-writer, I would never come to your place of business, stand in the doorway of your office, and shout, "You suck! You should go split rocks for a living!" (Anybody see the SEINFELD episode where Jerry went to the office of the woman who heckled his show and heckled her???) There are plenty of sites and message boards on the web where readers can dish honestly about books without a bunch of neurotic writers (ie. Christina) hanging over their shoulders.

But I would like to reserve the right to recommend books if I read something wonderful. Even if it's not written by us. Even if my friend didn't pay me to recommend it. But if you want to pay me, that's cool, too. Just send a sack of unmarked bills in a plain brown wrapper c/o Teresa Medeiros to...oh... never mind...I forgot where I was for a minute...

See ya next week, my little chickadees!

TERESA MEDEIROS WRITES:

Okay, I have a confession to make. I'm TSTL. That's right--My name is Teresa Medeiros and I'm too stupid to live. The first day we moved into our new house, I ran the car into the garage, effectively wrecking both of them. After listening to the song LIFE IN THE FAST LANE by the Eagles at least 10 million times since the 70's, I just figured out the line that says, "There were lines on the mirror" is talking about cocaine, not wrinkles. Only today I risked life and limb (and my beloved Jag) to drive to Starbuck's during a terrible thunderstorm/tornado watch because I couldn't bear to live another moment without a Mocha Lite Frapuccino Grande. So I consider it a personal affront when readers say that they can't stand heroines who are too stupid to live. Just go ahead and kill me now, why don't you? (For other examples of my stupidity, you may contact any of the other Bloggers on this loop by private e-mail and a comprehensive list will be provided to you.)

But seriously, I hate almost any black and white rules that put limits on my fiction, either writing it or reading it. I want to write about all sorts of characters and my very favorites are characters who make mistakes and learn from them. One of my favorite themes is to follow a girl as she makes the journey toward womanhood. And you know what--girls often do foolish, impulsive things, especially in pursuit of love. Things like climbing out of a window in a ballgown like Lottie in ONE NIGHT OF SCANDAL. I love that Connie brought up Lolly in the classic romance JUST A KISS AWAY by Jill Barnett because it was Jill who once said to me, "I love to write about people who make grand and glorious mistakes and who suffer terribly for those mistakes and who are better people for it by the end of the book." Isn't character growth the very definition of well-written fiction? So many things that we used to simply call "a plot" are now dissected mercilessly on the internet as "characters that are TSTL" or "Big Misunderstandings" or "Mary Jane heroines". If we avoid all of these things, then eventually we won't have anything to write about except perfect (and boring) characters and the romance genre will continue to grow even narrower in scope.

Every one of us has suffered through that moment in the horror movie when the heroine decides to creep down into the cellar all by herself with only a flashlight for a weapon to investigate the mysterious noise. I may shout, "Don't do that, you idiot!" but it doesn't usually make me stop watching the movie. (And while we're on the subject of flashlights, how come those people on CSI don't ever just turn on the freaking lights?!?!?!)

I would also like to argue that there are all different kinds of smarts in this world. In my book SHADOWS AND LACE, when Gareth asks Rowena how long it's been since she's eaten, she says, "Four days" and holds up three fingers. Is she stupid? No, just uneducated. I once had a fascinating conversation with another writer about Jed Clampett of THE BEVERLY HILLBILLIES. Was he stupid? Nope, he was innocent. There's a distinct difference. Was Lucy Ricardo stupid because she managed to get herself into all of those messes? Nope, she was funny.

I'm a very open-minded reader. Give me characters I can care about and I'll let them get away with murder (sometimes literally). I only have one hard and fast rule--the hero must never, EVER kick a kitten.

TERESA MEDEIROS WRITES:

What are you trying to say? That just because Liz and I live in Kentucky that we're probably barefoot and wearing overalls? Hey, I might be barefoot right now but I'm not wearing overalls!

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got me a cow to milk and a cousin to marry...