SquawkRadio Comments

Your heroine will forgive anything for a cup of steaming chocolate delivered bedside in the morning.  You must deliver this drink while wearing a loosely tied robe and nothing else (but don’t spill the drink on anything, er, important!)

11. If you see your lady love speaking to any male from 8 to 80, do assume immediately that she is promiscuous in her affections and bound to betray/abandon you just like your first wife/first love/mother/grandmother. Do treat her coldly with absolutely no explanation. If she really loved you, she’d know why you’re mad.

You must become a master at Fencing, Sharp-shooting, knife throwing, and fist-cuffs.

And if you have to get shot, do your best to make sure the bullet doesn’t hit any vital organ.

Hilarious.  I love the forlock, and the attracted to a slender lad/too much time in the gentleman’s club. 

I have to get my TM writing fix from your blogs since I’m forced to wait till Spring ‘08, Teresa, but if you do a future blog on Wilbury, I’ll promise to wait patiently (with my mouth shut...sorta).

I’m ticking off what I’ve written, Teresa—unaccountably, I’ve forgotten to write about a hero accused of murder!

Eloisa, taking notes

Ah, yes, nothing like a Bit O’Colin in the morning.

Any self-respecting hero would not be without his quizzing glass.  How else are you supposed to cast aspersions to that bluestocking who keeps insisting on wandering off onto the terrace, garden, library to meet an unscrupulous second cousin without an escort.  Alas, it’s up to you to sweep her into your arms after she’s been mauled by said unscrupulous relation.

Once you have decided upon your ladylove and she has not accepted you, make certain to find yourselves together in a freakish storm that enables her to spend the night unchaperoned with her. Marry her under special license and then spend the first full year of said marriage furious that you have been “cornered”. Make love to her passionately by night but ignore her during the day.

You guys are great!  Now I’M taking notes!

Santa, if you DON"T start writing your historical, I’m going to cast up my accounts--right on your foot!!!!

If you are in a crowded street, by all means break out into an elaborate song and dance number declaring your undying love of the heroine!

A hero must expect his heroine to be tenacious as a pitbull/bull dog by dressing up as a boy/man and always listening behind doors and peeking through peep holes.

Feel free to be as dissipated as you want, due to some earlier trauma (bad parenting, for example).  Lose interest in wanton women and become bored with the whole promiscuous lifestyle just before meeting your virginal lady love-to-be.

Teresa - these are so fun.  Thanks for the early morning laugh everyone!

Know this:  You know everything - even what is in your lady love’s heart, desires that she herself does not know.

(I used to be Piper, but when I registered I discovered that screen name was taken!  Alas, alak!  I don’t know if I took it or not, but I now have a new screen name....)

This is great!! I remember this as one of my favourites!!

And be forewarned that in states of undress, that your lady will scream/shriek/and not so lovingly point as she says:  Is that going to fit?!  After all the one good thing about being a romance hero is that your very well-endowed and can have sex immediately after having sex.  The Energizer Bunny has nothing on you!  *g*

If you have shrewdly invested and built up a booming business you must never, never let your paramour know that you are NOT, in fact, a penniless fortune hunter. Learn the art of the secretive smile and the faux-sheepish head-hanging when she makes remarks about your destitute state. Never tell her how you came by those pricey things, especially the lavish gifts you give her. Even if she suspects you are a bandit, a spy, a gambler, murderer or male escort you must not divulge the mundane origins of your massive cash flow until you are safely wed and she is making plans to keep the two of you on a strict diet of boiled cabbage and a wardrobe of burlap to counter your excesses.

Be sure at some point to allow her to get foxed and cast up her accounts. Then, the next morning, insist she go for a ride with you, no matter how bad she feels and she will never drink to excess again, no matter how mad she gets at you.

Lil

My password is former36---lol, I was....3 years ago, wah!!!!!!

One of my favorites! Thanks for reposting this!

And yes, definitely make passionate love at night and ignore her during the day. It’s the path to true love!

Can’t think of any myself. Must be time for coffee.

Definitely one of my favorite blogs of all time!  *ROTFLMAO* And I love the additional ones...the “cornered” one really has me in stitches.

Hmm.  Not sure...but I do notice if the hero lies, it’s always for the good of the heroine; but if she lies, it’s because she’s a deceitful, loveless, horrible shrew--and you’ll have to punish her (usually with long unforgiving sulky silences).

Hello Squawkers,

Hmmm let me try my best here with an advice

If your in love and the woman isn’t in love with you don’t give up do all that you can do to try and win her heart. Don’t give up easily.

Another one: If you know where she works at or live at send her flowers and a love letter

Hugssss
LindaH

I came up with more

Take her to a romantic dinner then a movie show her how much you love her and how much you love spending time with her.

Hugssss
LindaH

How could I forget being trapped by a storm and forced to wed!! 

Me write a historical....stop messing around with yours or I’m going to spill about your hero and yes, I’m mentioning the brothel!

Always treat her like a lady and give her what she wants!!!!!!!!

Since being a great romance hero means you then tower over everyone around you, never fail to use your size to intimidate your ladylove to bend to your will. 

Since being a great romance hero also means you are the greatest lover ever, remember to always use that wicked grin and those bedroom eyes in the same pursuit.

And never - by all means NEVER - get your’s first!

Cbell said..."Make love to her passionately by night but ignore her during the day.”

I don’t know, Cbell, it sounds like the perfect marriage to me.

Keep in mind that your lady love will be properly impressed by your choice of steed, so be sure to take yourself off to Tattersalls to choose the best horseflesh for your stables.  Of course, this means that you must sit a horse properly, since wobbly heroes are MOST unimpressive, so your hero lessons must actually start in boyhood.

Also, be sure to give your noble steed a proper name, preferably something from the Greek classics or of a Greek god.  No lady of consequence will pay attention to a man with a horse with a wimpy name!!  After all, you will be eventually carrying her in front of you wrapped in your strong arms, and the horse must be respectable enough for her to have confidence in it.  Wimpy names and puny horses will simply not do.

Christina. . . HAHAHAHAHA. Damned if you’re not right!

Okay, I had my coffee. Here we go:

If, after meeting your heroine, you still insist on visiting a brothel, please come to your senses as your paid companion is undressing. We all know that even an exotic, experienced woman who trained in a persian harem can satisfy you now. You’re ruined for other women!

Or. . . “CAN’T satisfy you now”! Sheesh.

Be sure to snarl and growl A LOT.  You don’t need a reason for this, women just find it sexy when their men are surly and obtuse.  It makes you mysterious.

Yeah, Victoria, we’re cranky in the morning, aren’t we?

Don’t be silly, Victoria!  If after meeting your heroine, you visit a brothel, then of course your paid companion is going to turn out to BE your heroine, hiding from some nefarious villain out to murder or deflower her. 

(And the brothel scene I wrote for ONCE AN ANGEL is still one of my favorites )

Don’t be silly, Victoria!

Oh, right! I stand corrected. Clearly I need another cuppa!

When your lady of interest or the lady who annoyingly got under your skin shows up at your gentlemen’s club and is making a fool of herself, in your opinion, be sure to throw her over your shoulder and publicly humiliate her as you carry her out for her own good.

When plagued with those silly feelings of jealousy, longing and sexual frustration due to your lady, be sure to confuse them with some illness or other excuse so as not to recognize them for the one of a kind love you are truly experiencing.

These bits of advice are so good and funny.
When your lady love is being stubborn and wants her way,let her have it in return for some favor that you can request at anytime.You guys have great imaginations,I really can’t think of any that good.

What a way to start the day - a big pic of Colin.
Sigh!

This blog is definitely a classic. I loved it the first time too.

If your hero is a vampire:  he hasn’t killed anyone for the last 100 years or he is a good vampire and he doesn’t kill humans at all - just borrows their blood.

Hmm…A Romance Hero needs
To have the Charm & Charisma of Rock Hudson in his “Pillow Talk” era.
A Beautiful Brooding Profile and the Sensuous Sensitivity of Montgomery Clift
The ability to Spout Poetry like George Gordon, Lord Byron or Walt Whitman:
The Wit of Oscar Wilde and Sir Francis Bacon
The Diplomatic Skills of Harold Nicholson.
To Dance as beautifully as Waslaw Nijinsky.
To be able to Sing a Love Song as well as Johnny Mathis.
Of course A Body like Bob Paris’s or Rod Jackson’s is A Must.
And a True Romance Hero should Rule Over His World like Alexander the Great.

Gosh, after looking over my list I’m beginning to understand Why the genre is called Romance FICTION!
Because, honestly, I don’t think that there is a straight guy out there who can come Even Close to my Romantic Hero Specifications!

Dang! You Writer’s of Romance really DO have your work cut out for you, don’t you?

If you gain love handles or your hairline starts receding, you must retire from hero status immediately.  You may become a sidekick or someone’s brother.

If you really let yourself go, you may have to become a villain.  Especially if you quit bathing.

Upon deciding that your ladylove is your ladylove - without consulting her of course - you must declare this using a phrase such as “You are mine!”, “I’ll be your first and your last!” or “No other man shall have you!” Be very dramatic in any case.

If you happen to have an incredible sexual encounter with a young miss in a garden at a masquerade and forget to get her name, be sure that you will encounter her again in the future and your destiny is set.

For contemp:
If you, as an FBI agent assigned to a major federal case, find there is a beautiful woman involved be prepared to - be shot at; travel often and travel light; have lots of quickies; perform in a shower; lose your heart; lose the girl; get the bad guy; grovel; and get the girl back.

I just have to leave a quick post. I’ve been lurking here all week, and I still can’t believe it’s been 2 years!!! I think I’ve been here from the start… April 2005…

wow. It’s wierd bc I’ve moved 3 times since then and had a baby. A lot goes on in 2 years, it almost seems longer…

My hero advice…

“The next time you take a swim in a lake, don’t look where you are going and literally bump into Elizabeth Bennet.”

.

Carolyn - retirement of a hero to a non-descript sidekick is a must...good one!

Never forget, heros-to-be, that the first time your lady love offers herself to you, you must shake your head and walk away with grim-faced, jaw-clenched honor...or at least that’s what you tell yourself.

The second time, however, to hell with honor.

Always remember your lady love is right no matter what!

Susan C, I wish my husband would remember that one!  Of course, he’s right 95% of the time which would totally mess that up.

My advice is:

You must abstain from expending your manly vigor on wenches, trollops, courtesans, mistresses, mad wives locked up in attics, ect for at least three months prior to meeting the completely unsuitable hoyden and/or shrew that is destined to become your reason for living so you can attribute your innitial attraction as to going too long without a woman. And say, “Demmed stupid penis down, down I say! She is completely wrong for us. I am never attracted to that sort. I must stop having lustful fantasies about her.”

Christina Dodd said…
Cbell said..."Make love to her passionately by night but ignore her during the day.”

I don’t know, Cbell, it sounds like the perfect marriage to me.

*Snort* too funny. Must not laugh too loud at library desk.

You must have a valet/butler who is humorous, won’t think you’re totally nuts when you come home ranting or raving or totally wasted, and will be your brain until you find and marry the love of your life. . . of whom your butler or valet will know it’s her even before you do.

Lois

I don’t have any advice to add.  Just an observation.  I notice a trend in all the advice today seems to be geared toward the historical hero.  Only a couple for vampires or a contemporary guy.  Hmm.

Julie, I don’t think a gay hero could live up to your list.    It’s a big one to live up to.

The Colin Firth pic sure brightened my day.  The epitome of a brooding hero.  Thanks, Teresa.

"And a True Romance Hero should Rule Over His World like Alexander the Great."- loved this Julie…

And, I have to echo cookeemama and say that I am thankful for the Colin Firth photo too. How is it that that man can just make me smile from a picture?

lol Terrio : “And never - by all means NEVER - get your’s first!”

that works in modern day..... 

Ahh lovely Colin,
This was a good one Teresa!

-Have a brow/mouth/chin that ‘quirks’ when amused/miffed/aroused..

-Have a beating heart that can be felt by your lady love, even across the room.  For that matter, be able to ‘sense’ your love coming into the room/garden/party, without seeing him/her.

Oh, this is the VERY best day....it is like reading these books over again.  You know all the good parts.  Yes, I can “recognize” each of these and pair them up with a particular book.  What fun it is to read all these today.  Yes, indeed.  Thank you.

Oh, and PS don’t forget experiencing the “Big O” each time.  Even the first time!!!!!  Even MULTIPLE O’s. 

Did anyone say this was fiction.  No!  Not really, right.  It must be real life.

Well, cookeemama, I don’t have any advice for vampires but if you’ll tune in after 3 o’clock, I may have a blog about one

How could I forget the eyebrow?!

You must be able to raise one eyebrow nearly to your hairline.  And you must be sexy doing it.

Wear black - it gets them everytime.

Contemp:
You must look good in a towel. 

You should be willing to accept anything about your heroine even it she is a witch/clairvoyant/former mental patient/charged with a felony in her past/on the run/totally not your usual type or stubborn.

Can I just say I’m enjoying these immensely and laughing my head off. thanks.

elyssany said…
...can have sex immediately after having sex.  The Energizer Bunny has nothing on you!  *g*

Oh elyssany!  ~snort...sniff...wiping eyes....co-workers thinking I’ve gone off the deep end~ That was good.

These are great guys!  I’m laughing so hard, I can’t breathe.

And don’t forget that if the heroine is about to marry your brother/cousin/uncle, and he is not good for her, be prepared to seduce her yourself and live happily every after.

Do be sure to emerge from the lake with your fine lawn shirt hanging half open and completely transparent, while your skintight breeches cling to all your manly parts delineating every bump, just as the heroine passes by said lake, historical accuracy be damned.

Ely, you’re too much! 

Oh Keira, what a joyful memory that was from the Colin Firth version of PRIDE AND PREJUDICE!  Our intrepid heroine might not have witnessed it but I did and that’s all that matters.  Thanks for letting me relive it!

You have only two choices for chest hair - none at all, or crisp, springing masculine curls that disappear under the edge of whatever unruly garment revealed them in the first place.

You must have an intriguing scar.

And by all means make sure you know where to find an abandoned crofter’s hut (even if you’re not sure what a crofter is) or some similar construction if you ever want to score out of doors. (Note that a thunderstorm is required for aforementioned outdoor scoring.)

nanadirat said…
You have only two choices for chest hair - none at all, or crisp, springing masculine curls that disappear under the edge of whatever unruly garment revealed them in the first place.

*singing* Happy traaaaiiiilllllllllls to you....

LMAO!!  Thanks, Nan.

Thought of one finally.

RH must, absolutely, see his ladylove as beautiful, sensual, sexy, and elegant.  Even if she actually looks like Ugly Betty.  Especially if she does.

Her glasses are sexy, her freckles are charming, her buck teeth turn him on big time, her hair trimmed by hedge clippers is adorable, and her large rear end makes his fingers itch to touch and fondle. 

Damn it!  She is his and no other man can have her!

Oh yes.  Since he is in a constant state of full erection, he really should visit his tailor and have some room sewn into the crotch of his pants.

Is it against romance novel law for an RH to buy off the rack?

cookeemama, that reminds me of a conversation Xtina and I had once when she wrote and asked how to describe a “flaccid member.” (Okay, Xtina probably said “penis” but I’m too shy.)

I just smirked in a superior manner and said, “I wouldn’t know.  My heroes have never had one.”

Definitely keep telling yourself it’s just a marriage of convenience/a la being “forced” into it and you try to put off consummating the marriage.  All the while the heroine has a her own plan that will soon bring you to your knees.  Better watch out!

"Demmed stupid penis down I say!”

What a great line!  Thanks cousin it for my belly laugh today....had to hold it in as I am also at the library desk.

The hero must hide his disdain for the heroine’s sweet little kitten, even when the wee beastie sinks its claws into his well-muscled thigh.  Of course, by the end of the book, said wee beastie will have grown on our hero, even if he never admits it.

Thanks for the yummy pic of Colin Firth, Teresa.  He is the quintessential Mr. Darcy.

Thanks, momofsix. Must keep librarian humor where it belongs...firmly(pun intended) in the gutter.

"Demmed stupid penis down I say!”

And how did you know my hero just said that when my heroine “accidentally” wiggled down into his lap to take a nap?

Theresa Madeiros Said

“that reminds me of a conversation Xtina and I had once when she wrote and asked how to describe a “flaccid member.” (Okay, Xtina probably said “penis” but I’m too shy.)”

Theresa...you just DID say it, lol.

Lil

You’re right, Lil!  And I was trying to be discreet!

Teresa Medeiros said…
cookeemama, that reminds me of a conversation Xtina and I had once when she wrote and asked how to describe a “flaccid member.” (Okay, Xtina probably said “penis” but I’m too shy.)

I just read a book the other day in which the hero couldn’t “stay the course”.  Or, rather, he never could even get to the starting line.  It took the heroine to get him there. 

I can’t remember the author now and I’m too lazy to walk to the bedroom and hunt for it.  Julianne MacLean maybe.

I think it was Mary Jo Putney who wrote a book in which the hero is the virgin and the heroine is the experience one.  But only because she had a mean, vile husband who made her do all sorts of disgusting things.  I think she may have had sex with a garden statue.  Darn.  Now, I’ve got to hunt up the book and read it.  He was one of the Rogues.

LOL After reading the previous post, it sounds like I should be banned from Squawkdom.  And you all are among some of my very favorite authors.  (How’s that for sucking up?)

It’s not that I don’t remember authors.  I read so much, that I can get confused sometimes.  OK A lot of time.  I’m not even going to blame old age.  And you’d better not either. 

I want to save this blog and pull it out again next time I have a bad day.  You guys have had me stitches!

Il Bacio said…
I’m new here, but this had me hooting and howling away, and I love a good hoot-n-howl.

It occurs to me that the hero really should have a disreputable cousin or old school chum who is an unruly rakehell.  This guy has to be frighteningly sexy, rich, lazy and squandering the family fortune on women and gambling.  He’s titled though, from a fabulous family, so he manages to be at all the right clubs and parties.  Nobody can understand how the hero can be friends with said rakehell. 

Of course, it turns out that he saved the hero’s life and/or he will save the hero’s life.  At the very least stand up and save the day for the hero or the heroine, so that we see he has a heart of gold under all that sex appeal and should very likely get a book of his own and a special heroine to tame him.

This guy is so bad, he may even go so far as to sully (or try really hard to sully) the heroine’s good name to prove to the hero that, after all, women are strumpets, including the heroine.  Deep inside, he is moved by the growing devotion between the hero and heroine…

04/17 at 04:27 PM

If you have a voice of an angel, by all means, PLEASE, sing her to sleep, she’ll be dreaming of you with a smile on her face, added bonus for you if you watch her while she sleeps

Theresa, that reminds me of another bit of advice to give a romance hero- the lap dance. You know, the bit where he hauls the poor girl on the horse/motorcycle/camel/elephant/banta in front of his yearning bits and then growls at her to keep still or else just because she moves about a little to get herself comfortable. After all just because we have more padding than we like back there doesn’t mean we don’t feel. And she thinks, “Ow, now there is something poking into my back. Is that his broad sword/sawed-off shotgun/scimitar/elephant-riding crop/light saber or is he just happy to see me?”

LOL, cousin it!!  You are cracking me up.

Bar har har, Cousin it!  In the scene I just wrote where the sleeping heroine is trying to get her cheek comfortable in Simon’s lap, he thinks, “Well, if she keeps that up, she might as well be lying on a rock.”

Ooo, I’ve done that before. You mean that was a rock? I thought it was his…

Loved that one, Cousin it!

This post keeps me laughing.
I have no advise that is not already mentioned.

You guys are really good!

1.  The hero always has to know how to “quirk” his eyebrow, or wait… maybe it’s “waggled.”

2.  The hero must always be able to give his ladylove searing looks from his blazing eyes.

Now you know why I only read romances rather than write them!

I’ve read through them and don’t think I saw my ‘rule’, but if I"m wrong...sorry…

Anyway the hero must always put up with the heroines activities because he admires her spirit and doesn’t want to ‘break’ her, just ‘tame’ her...and he must be condescending while doing so

Oh, and that supercilious eyebrow raise...oh yeah...just love being told I’m an idiot with non-verbal communication…

SamG

ask a most trusted person (probably that would be your secretary, mother, etc.) to prepare a list of very eligible bachelors that would be most suitable for your lady (who at the same time is your ward) and find faults in all of them, realizing in the end that you are the perfect man you were looking for.