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I am not brave enough to even put on shorts in the summer now that I am-----old.

Oh Connie this is still one of the funniest! Because we ALL have been there. Caught a glimpse of ourselves in the grocery store window, when we thought we were stylin’ that day.

Or my personal favorite, making the big mistake of looking up into the mirrors (hate hate them) during the workout at the gym. I used to make the trek to the gym at our near-by military base, because I could use it for free. Between the buff, incredibly young Marines (nice eye candy, though) and the tatoo’d 20 something women, that didn’t last too long. 
I excercise at home now.

I was at a motel pool and I had on a halter top.  I was laying on my stomach and I looked up and this older man was smiling at me, I couldn’t figure out why...then I looked down and realized the the breast had pop out of the halter top and I was giving everyone a free show!!!!!!!!!!!!

Connie, that was one of my favorite SR blogs of all time! 

My life seems like a sitcom sometimes and I have several moments that showcase my lack of grace at any age.  My most recent embarassing moment was getting stuck in a dress I tried on in a store a few weeks ago.  It looked great but it was one of those where they put the zipper on the side under the arm and one must be a contortionist to get out of. Luckily, I eventually got out of it on my own without damaging the dress...the only thing hurt was my pride.

Ahh… the mind is awash with things I’ve stopped doing (or probably should)... Apparently I should not be seen dancing to ‘80’s music in public, or hula hooping, or jumping rope… and most definitely not cartwheeling… I’ll be 40 in June, and my 12 & 13 year old daughters are pretty sure when I do the above mentioned things, it is solely to torture them.  The biggest reason I’ve stopped though- I’m afraid my husband will die of lack of oxygen to the brain from LAUGHING so hard.

Well, the disconnect between my mind (which thinks I’m still 25 and not hot, but definitely sexy) and my body (which is 46 and has sagged and gotten spotty and all those aging things) pretty much means I’m shocked any time I pass a mirror.  Do we ever adjust?

I had one of these moments the other day when I caught a glimpse of my reflection.  I was wearing something that I just knew made me look like a babe… and then… I saw my mother staring at me from the reflection.  She was wearing my ‘babe clothes’ and she definitely didn’t look like a hottie.  Ack. 

I’m still reeling over that one.

Last summer, my eldest niece had a beautiful wedding on Bald Head Island, N.C. The entire family enjoyed a week on the ocean. Later, looking at the vacations pictures, I see a photograph of my backside in a swimming suit. It wasn’t pretty. My youngest brother took the picture. Which goes to show you that little brothers are always brats, even at age 40.

I’ve always been kind of tiny and then for the past two years I put on 10 lbs, mainly in my stomach and side areas which has made it impossible to comfortably wear a lot of my old shirts. Weirdly enough, my pants size has stayed the same!

It’s so funny that this would come up now!! When I was younger I was such a tomboy.  Ice skating, climing trees, roller skating, skateboarding, jumping off of fences, you name it I was game for it!  Well, this weekend we were cleaning out the garage and I found my old skates.  My son looked at me with wide eyes and asked me HOW I did that and how he bet me I couldn’t still skate.  Me, being a mature, 32 year old mom, decided to take him up on the bet.  Lets just say, my balance today is not what it was fifteen years ago.  My kids and my husband were on the ground rolling with laughter.  Lucky thing the neighbors were out of town....
Hey..I’m cool...my kid’s friends say so.  At least I listen to Top 40 music.  Okay...my last grab at youth!

Mirror?  What’s a mirror?  Oh, that thing I draped in black cloth!!  Honey, I don’t even try on clothes in the department stores.  Gotta keep those girls in Customer Service employed!

Connie, too funny!  We have all been there!

Recently my niece was over my house wearing a pair of Heelys.  Now, for those of you who don’t know what these are – they are basically a pair of sneakers but have wheels on the heels.  Here she is rolling around the patio and I think to myself “That’s easy - I can do that!” So of course I voice this out loud.  I mean really, I used to roller-skate all the time when I was young.  It’s like riding a bike.  Since we both have the same size shoe, I go ahead and try them on.  Well, I crashed into the patio bar, I fell onto the chaise, and finally gave up when I flipped backwards and my husband caught me.  If he wasn’t there I probably would have cracked my head open.  My niece patted me on the back and said “good try” as she was laughing.  Oh well, at least I did give it a go . . .

My 9 year old daughter has begged me to give up my Chuck Taylor’s. Nevermind that she thinks it’s cool for her 55 year old Papa to wear them.

Connie - I have a video of myself being pulled behind our boat on an innertube with my JOWLS flapping in the wind. I totally feel your pain!

Thank you, thank you Connie for only posting your humiliating portion of the blog and not including the original posts.  Whew! 

And I just found My Seduction at the grocery store!

My codeword is tell69 - I ain’t tellin’ nuthin’!

That’s so cute Connie.  Another thing women shouldn’t do past 30??  Show their cheerleader daughter that they still know how to do a cartwheel.  I won’t give details.  Let’s just say it wasn’t pretty.

Recently on a family roadtrip I was sitting in the front and the three teenage brats I gave birth to were in the back seat.  I was singing to some hip hop song, dancing in my seat.  My kids started laughing and I thought I was just embarassing them like I always do just by breathing.

One points are my arms and tries to speak through her laughter.  I looked down at my upper arms and they were jiggling to their own beat and it didn’t match the music.  I couldn’t believe it.  When had that happened.

Needless to say I put my arms down and I am very careful about waving my arms around now.  Unless of course I forget, until I see someone’s eyes glaze over as they stare at my arms.

Connie, I hurt myself laughing while reading your blog.  At least you enjoyed yourself prior to looking at your thighs, and proved that you still had the atheleticism to pull it off.  GO GIRL!

Santa, I’m with you.  I don’t bother trying on clothes in the department store.  I often cringe when I try them on at home, but you’ve got to get new clothes sometime.

Oh Danni - how embarrasing!

A few years ago, The whole extended family (all my brothers and sisters and their families) went boating on the lake. We pulled up on an island to eat lunch and let the kids look for fossils. I had good memories of that day until a visit with a sisterr in law. She pulled out a photo album of the day and said, “Have you ever seen your whale picture?”
Puzzled, I asked, “What do you mean?”
With a great deal of glee, she showed me the most horrible, most unflattering photo of me in a bathing suit stretched out on a blanket on the beach.  At that time, I know I was overweight, but goodness, I didn’t know I looked that bad!
I am happy to say that the sister in law who took such delight in showing me that photo is no longer a member of the family. Bro had the good sense to divorce her.
And, hurrah, I weigh a good bit less than I did then, but alas, I am ten years older....

God, this is one of the funniest blogs ever--but I totally envy you in your skill and core strength to even ski!  I understand the need to give up certain things for total vanity reasons--but I still think, syncronized-flapping cellulite aside--you looked awesome out there.  Just maybe next time wear a wetsuit--I find things tend to flap less when circumvented with massive amounts of rubber and spandex…

I don’t know of things I’ve given up...probably dancing in public.  I’ve gone from looking passibly decent to Elaine-in-a-blender.

OMG, I’m laughing so hard my side hurts!  Connie, this is still one of my favorite Squawk blogs ever.  Of course, I would never laugh AT you (or your thighs) because at least you can still get up on skis.  My worn-out knees and I just wave from the back of the boat. 

I don’t mind mirrors or windows because I always look slim, sexy and 35 to my eye.  It’s when someone captures the “real” me with their camera that I’m hit smack in the face with the sad fact that I’m no spring chickie anymore.

kay - you are a better woman than I. She would have gotten my fist planted firmly in her face. I am not usually prone to violence EXCEPT when it comes to my sister-in-law.

I’m still recovering from knee surgery.  I was supposed to go back to work yesterday but had a set-back and will be off another two weeks.  My 30-something orthopaedist said, “It’s nothing to worry about.  Everyone heals at a different speed.”

One of my younger brothers translated, “He’s saying you’re old!” Said brother turns 50 this summer.  hehe.  Revenge will be sweet. 

OMG Kay, that’s horrible!  So glad she’s no longer a member of the family. 

LMAO...my verification is not31.  No kidding! 

Prudence, WELCOME BACK!  Hope you’re doing well.

Hey, where’s Goofy?  I miss the Goofy waterskiing photo

Teresa, who endured a similar horror today when trying to cram her thighs into last year’s Capri pants

knitterlynn said…

Do we ever adjust?

knitterlynn, I am 68.  I’ll let you know when that happens.  Or when I grow up.  I think they’re related.  I know I entertain the heck out of my teen and young adult grandkids while I’m trying to be cool.

Margaret

THis blog is damned brilliant.

I was looking at my own ass this morning, and noticed just those same realizations about cellulite.  You know, though, they smooth out when you bend over. 

I won’t ask about theme sex (CONNIE!), but I would like to know how you store those tee-shirts--in a pile?  In a basket?  Where can I buy one?  Ever try to fold a five year old’s tee-shirts?  It ends up stiff like a wallet then unfolds itself.

Great blog!

Thighs....I put on shorts earlier because it’s so warm out.  I’m now changing into the ones that go below the knee.  And not only do my thighs move in the wind, I have road maps.  It’s just not pretty. 

And did any of us appreciate those 20 something bodies when we had them? 

My word is “figure69”.  It seems mocking, somehow.

Carolyn,

I think I read in Nora Ephron’s book, If I knew how skinny I really was at 20, I would have walked around all day, every day in a bikini!

You know, I read this blog daily. I rarely post. Just read and laugh. But today, it hit too close to home for me. Sounds like it hit too close to home for lots of us!

I have a picture of me using a chainsaw cutting down a small tree at its base. I’m leaning over at my waist in a pair of jeans. There are pulled TIGHT over my ass and thighs. Not a pretty picture.

And my boobs? When I look down, they don’t look so big. But a sideview in a mirror? YIKES I look like I should be swinging around a pole!

And I have to comment on theme-sex. I don’t think that wearing a burka (which is the only costume that does my body justice) would do much for the sex life. Know what I mean?

J Perry wrote:  “I was looking at my own ass this morning, and noticed just those same realizations about cellulite.  You know, though, they smooth out when you bend over.”

So are we back to the topic of the theme sex again?

Connie,

There’s nothing more attractive and humorous than a woman who can laugh at herself! Like flip58, a glance at some after vacation photos of me in a bathing suit surely knocked off the rose colored glasses. Where did those “love handles” come from? ugh. And after my daughter & husband laughed about my sister’s under-arm wattles, you can better believe I don’t flail my arms around in public!

I just keep telling my lithe and beautiful 17 year old daughter, One day you will be here as well!

This is one of the funniest Squawk blogs I’ve read. Connie, you painted a fabulous picture of you skiing oh-so-effortlessly on the lake.

Sigh, the cellulite. Looks best, covered.

Thanks PJ, I’ve missed some terrific conversations.  I’m taking baby steps. (who would have ever thought that the highlight of my day would be taking a shower and making it to the bathroom). 

You all sound like me....I buy clothes that creatively, conceal, and camouflage.

My codeword is corpse78 hrumph - I’m 56 and that’s bad enough lol. I loved the blog -it had me laughing out loud - you definitely have a way with words! I haven’t worn shorts in 10 yrs. because my husband made a comment about my knees! The last time some family members all went for a walk up and down some hills I felt like I had run the marathon - I sit too long at this darn computer.

I have a firmly embedded sense of how old and not hard-bodied I am, thanks to my siblings. My brother is 11 years younger and 12” taller than me, fashion obsessed, gorgeous enough to be on the cover of a romance novel, and is engaged to a woman who could be a supermodel. He teases me mercilessly about being a frumpy 36 year old mom of two. My sister is 16 years younger and 12” taller than me, arrogant in the way only those just turned 20 can be, and she teases me mercilessly about being a short 36 year old mom of two.

Between the two of them I have no illusions left about my lack of (a) height (b) thinness and (c) coolness.  But I do have two wonderful kids who fill every day with joy. Compared to that, who cares about being short, fat, and frumpy (other than the people who have to watch my badly dressed fat wobble as I play with my kids LOL). Mind you, my kids are still young enough to love me the way I am. It won’t be much longer until I’m embarrassing them just by existing, I’m sure.

Awww… Andi… How cute…
I too am the short, 40in57daysOMG mother of two with two much younger, much hipper, blonde haired siblings… Why my parents felt the need to torture me with a brother 8 years younger (who has decided a wedding in Hawaii this July is perfect… His size 0 fiancee is picking the dresses...) and my sister who just turned an obnoxious 21 (hahaha… look, two milestones this year, I’m old enough to drink and you’re 25 years from social security benefits...) Their day will come, after all, we share genetics…

Of course, my 13yearoldonFriday is now 5” taller than me and still only weighs 93 lbs… sadly, it only makes her 5’1” which makes me too short, but on the positive side… I buy capris in the off season and they make great slacks!!! No hemming required…

Oh my goodness, there has to be some sort of award for writing the MOST HILARIOUS BLOG.

Too bad there aren’t any pics you could post for “Caption This”

Who me?  Have something to hide?  (Like about waaaay too many extra pounds and a bunch of wrinkles.) Never!

And to those who doubt, I did so used to be able to do the split three different directions without getting up.  Just don’t expect me to show you.

Alice

Thanks, you guys. In the interest of full disclosure I have to tell you what i did today...I got on my neighbors’ trampoline and “trampo’ed.” No fool I, this time I didn’t bother looking down AND wore baggy pants and tops. It was a blast. Though the small children in the neighborhood did run screaming…
the little wimps.

~*~Last summer, i decided to be daring and wear a bikini bathing suit to a friends pool party. eveyone was having a wonderful time, jumping into the pool on her new divingboard. I foolishly decided to join in on the fun and jump in. I wound up giving the rest of the people at the party more than just a wicked splash to admire.....Word of the wise: If you cup size qualifies as a failing grade, just say ‘no’ to spaghetti strap bikini tops. But I did make a few new friends after that, ahem, event. LOL.

~*~Meredith

Connie, this is still one of the funniest blogs ever!!!  Thanks for making me laugh...again!

I shudder to think what my thighs would like if I was on water skis.  Maybe that’s why I won’t get on them.

I have to try on tops at the store. Too many now have darts where they are not needed and look like an arrow pointing.

Try going to a nice dinner for your mother’s birthday when all of your good clothes are at college. You don’t want to know what the outfit I put together looked like.

OMG, Connie, every time I read this I laugh until I have to run to the bathroom!!

“Oscillating like a can of paint in a Sherwin Williams color-mixer” ROTFLOL

Years ago (I’m talking teens here) I was a pretty good ice skater...so back when inline roller skates became popular (and affordable) I bought a pair thinking they’d be a “great way to get some exercise”. Hah. HAH!

I tucked my feet into the boots, buckled them closed, then stood, a little precariously. After all, it had been almost fifteen years (give or take a few).  Gracefully, I glided off on my left foot, then glided on my right foot.

As I prepared to repeat the process, my feet flew out from under me and as my then six year old daughter said “Mommy fell down.”

Right on her biggest asset, mommy fell down, all right.  Not only did I severely bruise my backside, I sprained both wrists.  (We won’t even discuss the damage to my pride).

For about a week I looked for all the world like a praying mantis with both my arms trussed up in slings.

The Rollerblades promptly went back into their box and remained there until DD, the Elder’s feet fit them...she wore them out.

It’s so hard to explain why you are snickering at ass jokes to the DH.  They just don’t translate well!

Gads, I adore you all!

Darn!  I’m late coming here but I just had to thank Connie - again - for making my day complete!!!  I need to print this up and frame it so I can always have a good laugh on hand, LOL!

OMG!!!!  I haven’t laughed so hard in quite a while...unfortunately I let the cellulite stop me from being adventurous when I was young!  I can’t imagine being so intrepid at my current age.  I’m feeling a LOT like your Debbie in your other post! 

Thanks for the grins!!

Oops, I meant to say the Debbie in Liz’s post....sorry.  All that laughing sucked the oxygen out of my brain!