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I’ve been to that closet for chocolate way too many times to condemn you for it, Eloisa.  It’s a fact that I cannot keep cookies, chocolate frosting, candy bars or cookie dough in my house.  These are my sources of shame (and fat deposits).

I call my shame Catholic Guilt.  Anyone raised Catholic knows exactly what I’m talking about.  It’s subtle.  You don’t even realize it’s happening. But one day you find yourself all grown up and feeling guilty about everything.  If I take a day off work due to illness, I feel guilty.  If I buy that top for me and not get my daughter something, I feel guilty.  You get the picture. 

I’m happy to say that I’m fighting this predicament though.  I don’t feel guilty for buying a book or two even though I have 50 at home waiting TBR.  I’m not ashamed that I have to work for a living and cannot be my daughter’s room mom for school. 

The cookie dough thing is another matter.  I still feel pretty guilty about that one…

My shame is usually related to how I spend my time.  I should spend more time with (insert relative’s name here).  I should spend more time working on my home improvement project, chores, etc.  I should spend less time watching TV or on the internet.  I always fill a little guilty for taking time doing things I want to do.

My most recent moment of shame was Tuesday night.  Instead of my usual read for 30 minutes before bed, I read from the time I got home from work until almost bedtime and neglected making dinner for me and my husband.  Then I remembered that he’s a grown man and can take care of himself and I wasn’t quite so ashamed. 

I used to hide Mallomars in the bathroom closet. If that isn’t shameful, I don’t know what is. Eloisa, it must be something about the chemical make-up of the marshmallow fluff stuff that casts its insidious spell upon you. You just can’t help yourself.

I think I feel guilt more than shame...all the coulda, woulda , shouldas scramble around in my brain over lost or late opportunities.

Things that make me feel ashamed:

1) Getting caught laughing in public (i.e. thereby drawing attention to myself)
2) Having people comment how loud my voice is
3) Not holding my own in a conversation (feeling unwitty/unclever)
4) Eating an entire pint of B&J in one sitting
5) My back fat when I try on bras
6) My writing--if my father or someone I wish to impress gets ahold of it
7) Getting caught in disarray (and having it pointed out by that person)--even though I spend an ungodly amount of time in my PJs and flipflops, and it’s only a matter of time before someone shows up and catches me
8) Some of the snarky things I say, even if they’re in self-defense
9) My erotica books (which are hidden)
10) Vibrators… My friends and I would go into this porn shop after we’d been drinking just for laughs--and just looking at them all makes me embarrassed...and if anyone talks about them for very long, I giggle and try to figure out a way to exit the room--especially if the talkers know way more about them than me.
11) That I’m pop-culture-ly illiterate.  A lot of the time.  One of the reasons why I can’t hold my own in several conversations.

Oh, man.  I sometimes feel ashamed if I have not met someone’s expectations--even if it requires clairvoyance on my part.  I could tell you a story about being room mom for my daughter’s kindergarten class a couple of years ago...it was dumb for me to be ashamed to say the least, but I was anyway.

All I can think of is Cher in Clueless--"I have been in a shame spiral all week”...that movie cracks me up.

Have a lovely weekend everyone.

Amanda

Experience kills shame. The first time I considered getting my bikini line waxed, I ditched the idea. How could I allow someone to peer closely at a part of myself that I never get to see? Plus, it’s that part that lots of people seem to think is quite shameful. Then I got engaged, and somehow, I can’t even remember now (maybe as a Valentine’s gift of some kind for my fiance?) I forced myself to the spa for a full on Brazilian. I figured, why start small?

It was every bit as painful and embarrassing as it seems like it would be. But when it was over, I actually felt great. Liberated! Which sounds weird, I know, since I was explicitly catering to a male fantasty by stripping all the hair from my ladybits, but nevertheless. And I got kind of addicted to it (ladies, I promise, there are lovely compensations for those moments of pain--and after all, we’re women. We can handle a little pain.) And now when I get waxed, I hop up on the table and chat with the beautician the whole time.

As for what shames me now--the most recent thing was my off-the-leash terrier jumping up on a fellow jogger during out morning run yesterday. Why can’t I make him stop doing that?

I’m no longer ashamed of my body (so what if I’m Peter Pan with ovaries).  Now, however, I am mostly ashamed of my behavior. 

When I was younger, I was a typical self-centered jerkovich that only cared about me, but now I’m jerkovich who wants people to feel good around me, and my mouth always stands in the way. 

Surprisingly, I’m mostly ashamed of the things I SHOULD HAVE SAID, more so than the ones I screwed up saying.  Example:  I brought my whole family to meet Lisa Kleypas the other night.  After chatting sweetly with my daughter, Lisa pulled out a picture of her own daughter.  Here’s where it gets awful…. I sat marveling at a picture, AND FORGOT TO TELL HER WHAT AN ADORABLE PRECIOUS PIE SHE WAS… (And also, how her husband looks like Thor.  Seriously, Lisa and he are Beauty and the Comic Book Hero).  I can’t get it out of my head.  Every time I think about it, I want to go into fetal position and rot

You’d think I’d be more upset about what I do say (since I am one of those verbal diarrhea people), but it’s the good stuff I didn’t say, that I felt deep in my heart yet stayed silent, that make me feel so ashamed.

I feel sick, and talking about it out doesn’t help either.

What a topic.  I’m right there with you, Terri.  The Catholic guilt thing is insidious and it’s worse if you throw Irish in the mix.  Irish Catholic Guilt is the worse.  My sister and I joke about getting healthy.  I call her and say – I sat around all day today and just read a book.  No cleaning, no laundry, no dishes.  Hey, I’m getting healthy!!!!  So it’s all in how you look at it.

I suppose you can guess where my shame comes from.  I sit around all day and read when I should be doing the laundry, the dishes and cleaning my house.  Along with sneaking the occasional bite size (smaller amount of guilt) heath bar out of the fridge, after telling the kids and DH that candy and munchies were now outlawed in our house.  (Well, someone has to get rid of all that temptation – that’s what mothers are for).  See, Eloisa, I understand how really selfless you are.

J Perry I’m with you. When I met Eloisa at Nora Roberts’ bookstore last December, I was so excited to meet Eloisa that I totally ignored Nora.  I LOVE Nora!  And I didn’t even say hello.  In fact, while she was signing my books, I just kept talking to Eloisa.  She must think I am the most horrid person. 

I still can’t believe I didn’t even talk to her.  It’s all Eloisa’s fault.  LOL!

I was not ashamed when my three year old daughter asked my mother if “those things” (pantiliners) were “for your butt?” (here she grabbed her crotch) “Like mama uses.”

I am ashamed to wear a bathing suit.

I am not ashamed to speak my mind in front of my mother, even if my mind contains some bad words.

I am ashamed of spending a whole day planted in front of the computer when the dishes need to be done.

I am not ashamed of my dust-crusted car.

I am ashamed of the empty coke cans and take-out boxes inside of it.

I am not ashamed of the choices I’m making, but I am still deeply ashamed of and atoning for the choices in my past.

And I have the verbal shame problem, too. Once, when I saw a co-worker that I particularly admire dining with her son I said, “I didn’t realize your son was so OLD!” Now what does that imply about her age? Oh, the shame!

Food causes me kinds of internal shame.  I hate eating in public becuase i always think that people are looking at me and judging what i’m eating and how much.  Even when i’m food shopping i think the checkout person is thinking i’m a pig. 

The other thing that causes me shame is my own personal feelings of inadquecy.  My husband is Grade A brilliant and has lots of fancy letters and pieces of paper to prove it.  So are his friends in front of whom i always feel stupid and judged.  Hubby who is wonderful and perfect assures me that his colleagues don’t think anything of the sort but i am forever feeling like they think he could have done better with a smarter, thinner, wife who was less likely to read romances and knit and more likely to read professional journals and end up with a nobel prize.

Wow i have issues… I wonder if i can find a shrink here in Kenya.  LOL

I should note that i’m fat and i’m semi-ok with it now.  I love reading romances because they make me happy.  I love writing things that make friends back home laugh and wonder when i’m coming back for a visit.  I love knitting while my husband reads boring professional journals and we re-watch Eurotrip for the zillionth time.  I’m ok with me at least 85% of the time - and i consider th a pretty good life by anyone’s standards!

I am not at all ashamed of my chocolate addiction.  And I don’t hide it from anyone either.  Of course, right now, I’m not eating chocolate because I gave it up for Lent.  It’s really hard.  But a good thing (I think).  I just better get a chocolate bunny for Easter!

I was recently ashamed because I called and made an appointment for my annual exam - which is about 4-5 years overdue.  (There’s a good reason, really).  When the scheduler said, “Oh, I see it’s been a while since you’ve been in”, I felt terrible.

Oh the Catholic Guilt.  Boy can I relate.  What I am really ashamed about is the fact that I have not had the self discipline to lose that 30 extra pounds I gained when my kidneys started acting up and I had t go on steriods.  Hey that was 5 years ago, I don’t have that as an excuse anymore.

My mother is a travel agent for guilt trips, so even if I am NOT ashamed about something I have done, she manages to make me feel otherwise.  I love her to death, but HOLY COW!!     

Other than run-ins with my Mom, I have been ashamed of some of the things that I have said to people in the past.  Nothing deliberately malicious, but my brain DEFINITELY wasn’t in gear before my mouth started moving!!!  I apologized, but I still feel bad about it.

However, I am NOT ashamed of the bag of Hersheys Kissables that are in the desk drawer by my computer table.  Nobody knows that they are there but me and my cats, and that’s the way it’s gonna stay!!  Chocolate is good for the soul, and secret chocolate is a double-wicked delight!!!

I have a bag of dark chocolate M&Ms sitting by my elbow at my desk.  I had to try one to make sure they were still good because they’re out of season (Christmas version) and I’m ashamed to say I’ve tested half of the bag.

Mom guilt and shame - I’m sure most of us could fill a book.  And I can put my German Protestant mother up against any Catholic mom (my mother-in-law) for guilt any day.  They are neck and neck.

My daughter had to speak at an honors assembly at school today.  I forgot to wash her hair last night.  And she had a stain on her pants.  At least she did a good job.

Carolyn

Our local Wendy’s gives free mini Frosties with every kid’s meal. So when I bring home Wendy’s, I put the Frosties in the freezer. If the kids don’t ask for them before bedtime, those babies are mine! Hey, they’re not exactly great nutrition. I’m really doing them a favor!

On a related topic. . . I’m ashamed of my back fat also. HAHAHAHAHA

What a topic! I told my husband I have so much guilt I should be catholic *g*

I have a horrible shame to do anything for myself. A $20 haircut, a $5 book, $15 pair of pants all make me feel horrible, like I’m taking something away from my son or husband (which I’m not)

I feel so ashamed to do anything for myself that when I get gift cards I use them for my husband or son. How crazy is that?

Next week end I’m supposed to go away for a girl friend vacation. Let me tell you the guilt over this has given me a migrane for over a week now. *sigh*

Someone mentioned their mother being the travel agent for guilt trips. Yep, I can relate.

I’m ashamed of the amount of time I spend reading these fascinating Comments!

bookwormkim - I hear ya!  I have had to FORCE myself away with friends in the past.  But I always have a great time, miss my family a little, and really appreciate them more when I get home.

I hope you go and have a great time!

I went to a church bake-sale and dropped my newly purchased chocolate cupcake on the ground where it landed frosting-side down.  Without thinking, I said, “Oh, s**t!” really loudly.

You could have heard a pin drop.  I’m sure I was in many people’s prayers after that.

Terrio, isn’t that the worst?  And the thing is, you can never get that moment back (and blame Eloisa, for sure )

Teresa, something I’m ashamed about concerning you is in your desktop (and not the thing about the cat diaries either).

I feel shame that I got so caught up in reading the comments on yesterday’s thread that I lost track of time and forgot to pick my sixth grader up from school! That was definately the first time that happened—fortunately the teacher was really nice when she called to say he was waiting for me in the office!

(My son—who is a complete airhead like his mom—fortunately wasn’t upset, he was chatting with one of his friends when I got there.)

That is pretty bad, huh?

Gosh, I always thought that I was an American Baptist, but now I realize that I must be Catholic.  Thanks terrio.

I always, always feel ashamed if I buy something for myself without at least buying some little thing for my girls or my husband.  And then as I approach the register, I talk myself out of buying anything for me.

I feel shame when I snap at my kids or lose my temper with them.  I figure my husband deserves it—he did pick me after all. 

I feel shame when I find myself being catty about someone or wishing them ill in some way.

I no longer feel shame about my stretch marks.  I certainly don’t flaunt them, but I have recognized that they are a small price to pay for two beautiful, healthy girls I adore.

I feel less shame than I used to if my little one makes noise in public, I don’t let her throw fits or scream, but I can take normal kid noise better.  It used to mortify me.

I’m ashamed that when I realised I was pregnant 8 years ago, I didn’t just move back home.  Instead, I married the father and have basically made both of our lives miserable for the last 8 years.  See, just before I got pregnant, I had realised that I didn’t love him and wanted to break up with him.  So basically, I’ve caused incredible pain to a man whose only crime was caring about me.  We’re legally separated now but because of money issues we’re still living together so I have to see him every day.  And live with my shame. 

But as to guilt trips, I firmly believe that only YOU can make you feel guilty.  If you don’t believe you’ve done something ‘wrong’ then you cannot feel guilt.  Eat your chocolates.  You’ve earned them and the guilt is all in your head. 

Okay, I feel ashamed that I just got a charge out of my verification word:

Much69

I am no longer ashamed to admit that I am a woman who likes that kind of thing and sex in general.  And believe me, I was a bit embarassed when I first got pregnant.  Because then everyone would know for sure that I had had sex.

I do think women feel shame more than men do--unless a man does something really horrible like accidently pushing the red button and blowing up a country.

We hang onto guilt about little things--why don’t men? Are we just hardwired differently?

I should feel ashamed of how much time I spend on the internet hanging out in blogs and bulletin boards....but I don’t.

I sort of know how you feel Stacey.  I look back and know that I married the wrong person and I really think I knew it at the time.  We’re divorced now and I hate that for my daughter but I really can’t go back and change time.  So I work very hard at looking forward.  What’s done it done.

Life ain’t easy for anyone and if we never made bad choices, we’d never appreciate the good one.

Add me to the guilty Catholic group (last Sunday, I skipped Mass because my brother invited me to brunch at the Marina on the Island.) I was feeling bad until the second bloody mary arrived.

I do feel a little ashamed if I get unexpected company, and my house is kinda messy because instead of cleaning....I was deeply involved in a book.

And I don’t tell my hubby about my book purchases....he thinks I go to library.....a lot.  Which is somewhat true, but......

I’m experiencing a great deal of mentalpause...I’m ashamed that I forget half of everything I think...including what I was going to write next.

Last week I put 3 things on a list.  By the time I got to the next room to tell my husband about the list, I had forgotten two of the three things and had to go back and look.

TGIF (It is Friday, isn’t it?)

Oh, pretty much everything!

I’m guessing you ate them all lol.

I am ashamed that I buy more clothes and books when I have too many already. I did put two pair of pants back today though when the line was taking too long.

nanadirat, I am ashamed of my messy car also. It is like a large, noisy rolling purse. It is just a small Merc Tracer but it makes as much noise as a fleet of Harleys. I always feel as though people are staring at my poor car and I want to yell-"But it runs!”

Eloisa, I bought some of those Cadbury Easter eggs today with my 2 year old and we shared them on the way back from the store. Oh, the shame.

-I am not ashamed of how I look in a bathing suit, I like to swim, and by God, I will.
-I am not ashamed to take an entire day for me, or a weekend..they are neccesary for mental health.
-I will second the no-shame for buying ANY book,

-Shame lately did come in the form of getting pulled over for going over the speed limit in the school zone (when I chastise about this a lot)..no ticky, but was lucky. In general, impatient driving skills, must work on that..

I have been reading these comments and trying to decide if shame is inextricably linked to other people’s impressions of us. I would be mortified right now if one of my house-proud cousins popped in for an unannounced visit and saw that I was “wasting time” on the computer rather than vacuuming the dog hair, dusting the bookshelves, or disposing of the three feet of magazines stacked on the dining room table. But as long a none of them makes an appearance, I’m not bothered at all. I would be ashamed if my doctor knew that my lunch consisted of a glass of wine and a piece of chocolate, but so long as he is unaware, I’m complacent. Maybe I should be ashamed that I care too much what people think.

One thing that used to embarrass me that no longer does, is public sneezing.

I used to have the quietest, most polite sneeze in the world.  After almost having my head explode one too many times, now I just let ‘er rip.  Boy, does that feel good.

Cousin It - A Rolling Purse! I love it! From now on that’s what I am going to call it!

And Janga, wine and chocolate - antioxidants and heart healthy! Go you!

I’m not Catholic or Jewish, and I think those are the two Official Shame Religions, so I manage to skate along pretty well ... except for my kids, who can make me feel guilty in the snap of a finger. My mom could do it, too, but she was a great mom and only did it when it was something really important to her, so only a few times in my life.

On other issues, I can make myself thoroughly ashamed, but it’s more if I don’t do things for my friends that I should—call often enough, remember b’days or if not that, send a card for no reason, just be a friend. I am always guilty about email because I can never get caught up (that is a literal never—on the day I do get caught up, while I’m answering the last one, ten more come rolling in) and when I’m finishing a book I let it go completely. You can’t imagine what a mess that creates.

Okay, I’m getting off to go call my 93-year-old friend.

I’m very good at both shame and guilt.

I’m ashamed that I’ve contracted diabetes because I can’t lay off the sweets, and I’m ashamed that I still can’t stop eating them. But it sure helps me understand those men who smoke through the hole in their throat after losing their larynxes to cancer.

I’m ashamed that I’m generally undisciplined when it comes to projects and work I need to do. I wind up frantically cranking it out at the end.

I’m ashamed that I don’t write my 88 year old grandmother weekly, or even monthly.

I’m ashamed that I can’t pare down my “stuff” - and I have more than many families of four.

The list goes on, trust me. However, there are also things I’m proud of, so I try to think about those. At least occasionally.

Omigosh, Eloisa!!! I should be ashamed! I am laughing so hard over the chocolate marshmallow Easter eggs!!! That is absolutely hilarious! And guess what! Those are my favorites, too!

I was at the Wallyworld last week and found the 98 cent carton of (a dozen)marshmallow eggs--they were little and half of a regular egg I justified to myself…

Needless to say I threw away the empty carton yesterday. No! It shall not taunt me that I completely emptied it on my own.

And sadly, I don’t even have the excuse of kids for even buying a carton of chocolate marshmallow eggs...*sigh*

Darnit! Now I want a chocolate marshmallow egg…

LdyB

Oh, and since I forgot to guess, I’m going w/you have as many chocolate covered marshmellow easter eggs left as I do...

And my first veri-word is methods24...a sign, I guess that I should get back to the research...*sigh* Maybe I’ll treat myself w/a marshmellow egg… Wooo...the second one was writing28...it really is a sign!

LdyB

I’m back after a long day at the university...these comments are wonderful!  Wonderful and terrifying.  Zeldaz, you’re right—men don’t feel as much shame as we do?  I see guys strolling around with about 400 cans of beer-belly hanging over their belt and I don’t think they feel the least bit guilty when they rip open a new Budweiser.

Maybe it’s estrogen rather than Catholicism?  Because I was raised Episcopalian, but…

It does help to share these feelings, though.  I think I’ll buy some Mallomars tomorrow!!
Eloisa

I loved the idea of a rolling purse - perfect description of my truck!  I think I’ll tell my husband that the next time he starts to complain about the mess. 
I don’t feel ashamed of much (except not checking on elderly parents EVERY day) but I do feel guilty frequently.  And like so many others of us, I read too much and clean too little.  But it keeps me sane!
And my word is mans59 - just think of all the possibilities with that!

I feel ahamed to buy anything for myself and not for my Daughter, Son, or Husband. I’ve been known to pick up something for myself and put it back minutes from the register. I don’t feel too ashamed buying books, though. I feel MAJOR shame in a bathing suit. I feel ahsamed I’m addicted to birthday cake. I did give up Chocolate for Lent. And I am ashamed of the amount of time I spend online everyday when I should be cleaning the house. (Have I mentioned I detest cleaning the bathrooms?) Then again, I need a break from reality to keep me sane!

Eat the chocolate eggs...it’s once a year!

As for shame...or guilt… the worst is when you are in a comfy zone and others, like say the husband, notes the clutter etc. that didn’t get done while you were....(fill in the blank).  I think I feel most guilty then.  The guilt I never knew I was supposed to be having!!  Then it is overwhelming for a time, until I forget again.  That God for Books!!

I loved the pregnancy shame!!  I had it three times!!  (all girls...oh the guilt for not producing a boy)

However I am, unfortunately and irrationally, ashamed of my acne prone skin!!  Like it’s a reflection of my chocolate eating...no way!

Late to the party as usual…

Catholics, et al have NOTHING on the shame factor...try growing up Seventh Day Adventist. Add the following to feel guilty about:

Wearing any kind of jewelry—including a wedding ring. Shame is multiplied if you pierce your ears or anything else.
Eating meat…double shame for pork and shellfish or anything else labeled “unclean”.
Watching television, reading books, or listening to any kind of CD that isn’t “sacred” after sundown on Friday thru sundown on Saturday.
Also unacceptable are such things as running to the store to get a pair of pantyhose or a quart of milk during the aforementioned hours.

For decades I’d get myself in such a froth over every one of the above transgressions, that I gave myself a permanent case of heartburn.

When we moved from California to Georgia, my dad would call me every Saturday afternoon.  My poor hubby must have thought I was insane because I’d go through such gyrations to make sure I was home and my dad couldn’t possibly hear the TV going over the phone.  Looking back, I realize my dad was just missing us and the shame was self-inflicted.

Rant continued…

Nowadays, my shame is more “normal”—if there is such a thing. 

If I’m late for work—even if it’s because of a traffic pileup. I keep telling myself “You live in Atlanta—Traffic happens”! to no avail.

My housekeeping skills. I’m a perfectionist and if it can’t be perfect--F*** it!

No shame about ME time, or the money I spend on writing/reading and related activities such as conferences.  I did without for 20 years while I raised my daughters, now, it’s MY turn!

No shame about how I look in a bathing suit—I just don’t have the energy. I’ve paid a big price for the occasion to wear it (vacations) and by gum, I’m going to enjoy it!

I used to feel shame about my personality. No longer.  Thanks to some great friends who’ve made me realize that I’m a good person and fun to be around, I’ve come to see those qualities in myself.

JPerry, someday you’ll grow to value the qualities the rest of us admire in you, but you can’t see or you think are deficits.

TypO—I can definitely relate to some of your angst…but you lucky woman! You live in a country that actually CELEBRATES voluptuousness--Revel in it, my dear!

MWAH, Cinthia.