SquawkRadio Comments

Ha ha on the volunteer thing! Totally agree!
-Anyone who says “This will only take a minute of your time!”
-Any book that is the ‘..new bible of whatever.’
-Anything, book, movie or TV show that has the phrase, ‘Tour de Force’ associated with it.
-Women’s clothing or shoe sizes, who knows what size you’ll be in what store?, could be a 10, could be 12, Whatever!

There’s something...um...reality-show-like about Christina’s list!  Actually, the air compressor of his nail gun sounds like a good idea..

hahahahaha!

Eloisa

Beware of reading SR, drinking tea, and eating a corn muffin all at the same time. Where is that air compressor?

Hey Xtina, Maggie needs your husband’s air compressor to clean the corn muffin crumbs out of her keyboard!

I’m with Eloisa and Xtina! Those pics of Daniel Radcliffe are just wrong. And well, Borat. ICK. Nuff said.

Beware of husbands who say “sure I’ll help you spring clean”
Kids who ask if a *couple* friends come over.
If the *couple* friends do come over be afraid if they just want some snacks. They will eat everything you have in the house. Including the cookies hidden in the bottom of the fridge.

-Beware when your boss calls your desk and asks “Have you got a minute?” and when you get to his office, he says, “Please close the door behind you.”

Maggie, can I borrow the compressor after you???  (damn cream cheese danish...)

Oh yeah, and how about ANY conversation with a boyfriend/girlfriend or spouse that starts with, “We need to talk.”

You guys are a riot!  Terri, I have fresh girl scout cookies for you.  You could probably use yours or skeet shooting.  And Christina, when did you move to Fantasy Island?

Here are some of my warnings:

Beware of people who call and ask, “Would you mind.....”.  Nine times out of ten you will!

Beware of asking your mother what she thinks about something while in the car stuck in traffic for two hours.

And we’d have posted the pics of Daniel Radcliffe but we don’t do kiddie porn on Squawk!

1.  Beware of the DH who for Valentines Day thinks nothing says “I Love You” Like an: E95 Horizon Elliptical Trainer. GRRRRR!

2.  I agree with Eliosa:  Beware of Sugar Daddy, unless you several hours to set aside.  It will suck you in like a vortex.  I think I finally went to sleep at 3am.

5. Beware of husbands who promise to dust your metal tree sculpture with the air compressor of his nail gun

*snort* classic

I’ve only gone grocery shopping at night since the girls scouts have been on the prowl. I’m beginning to wonder if the grocery store clerks think I’m a vampire!

-Beware of those fashionable empire waisted shirts this season. I bought a couple and yes, they make your legs look longer, but my coworker cornered me in the break room and the conversation when like this:

Me: “I see you’re expecting a baby.”
Him: “No...”
Me: “When’s the due date?”
Him: “I’M NOT PREGANANT!”
-_- I don’t know when empire waists began to equal pregnant…

-Beware of every saying “Is there anything I can do?” to your coworkers. Most of the time there and you can bet that you don’t want to do it!

-Beware of high heels. They might look sexy in the store and for the 3 seconds you take to try them on, but if are forced to wear them for more than 5 minutes your feet will threaten to explode.

GARG:

Switch those Me and Hims on that dialogue

*grabs more coffee*

Great ones Sqauwkers....I’ll add:  Any conversations that begins with “Don’t get mad now” and “Do you want the good news or the bad news first?”.  I hate those because it’s always something bad.

Ah, the Girl Scout cookies.  Since my daughter is a Brownie, we bought WAY too may boxes of cookies!  I went for an hour long walk yesterday to make up for the extra Samoas I ate--at least I told myself that somehow it would help.

- Beware of telemarketers who won’t take “No, thank you” for an answer.
- Beware of estranged family members who suddenly call and need a small favor (read, money).
- Beware of products that say they are “new and improved” because they seldom are.
- Beware of clothing or bathing suits that guarantee “you’ll look 10 pounds lighter.” The only way that will happen is to lay off the @$%^*#@ Girl Scout cookies!

LOL!!

Beware of DH who starts out by saying “You’re gonna love this...”, cause chances are you’ll really, really hate it!

Beware of children who say “We just want to look.  We don’t have to buy a puppy today!” Yeah, the “jaws of life” couldn’t budge them from that shop.

Beware of children who reply to your request with “Okay Mom, on the next commercial.”

Too funny, Jenn!  Actually I kinda like the conversation the way you wrote it

My husband’s #1 rule is NEVER ASK A WOMAN IF SHE’S PREGNANT UNLESS YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY SURE. 

That recently happened to a woman from my church.  One of the men looked across the table during a church potluck and blurted out, “Wow! You’ve gotten huge!” She looked taken aback but replied, “Well, the baby is due in April” and he blinked and said, “Oh, you’re pregnant?”

Actually ::cough:: the air compressor worked pretty well.

My husband was the cookie “mom” for years for two girls going thru Girl Scouts. I have eaten my fair share of Thin Mints. Now we just stop by the stands and give them money. Less calories, less guilt, and the troop keeps the whole amount.

Beware Squawk Radio on days bearing overflowing to-do lists.

You give them money and you don’t get cookies, Xtina?

Help!  Could somebody please explain the basic tenets of shopping to this woman?

I’ll listen to the basic tenets of shopping if you’ll listen to the basic tenets of calories, Teresa.

^&*)^*)#*&*@*!!!!!!

WHY DO I NOT CONSULT SQUAWK RADIO EVERY MORNING BEFORE I START THE DAY… say a word, take a breath, or eat breakfast!!!!!!???

Connie!
“”
CONNIE WARNS:
1. Beware of answering any question that begins with, “Tell me the truth...” “”

I should have totoally followed this one…

what a day what a mess. ugh.  It’s not even lunch time yet....

I guess my warning is to follow the squawker rules or pay the consequences....

You all are hilarious!  Great way to start the day.

Beware parking your car in the spot beneath the tree that the turkeys like to sleep in. Do you have any idea how big turkey poop is? Do you have any idea how they get in that tree?

Ok, try this one:

Beware Any construction worker/remodeling person who does not tell you the simple truth:

Projects are never completed.  They only perpetuate themselves into new projects.  Completion is only possible in those few moments before you start packing to move to a new home...which will need a few little things done.

A couple of mine have already been mentioned.

Beware the child that hands you the sealed envelope with your name on it from her school looking completely innocent. 

Beware the child that doesn’t know how those charges got on her cafeteria account.

Take a deep breath before dealing with your child after finding out she made the cafeteria ladies think you were allowing her to STARVE.

**She’s lucky I have six hours to calm down…

My word is death75.  Yes, that is on my list.....

I know the basic tenets of calories:

More Calories = MmmMmmGood!

Beware tangents on Blogs - like the one I am going to do now. 

I’m about a week behind getting Publishers Weekly on my desk.  I got the March 5th edition today and SquawkRadio is quoted.  Actually Susan Elizabeth Phillips is quoted, but she said it on SquawkRadio which was duly noted.  Way Cool!

Had to share, sorry for the tangent.

Beware the boss who starts the conversation with “Be totally honest with me...”

Beware the sister who says “What do you have planned today?” Because chances are you will be running errands for her all day if you answer wrong.

Beware the grown child who calls you unexpectedly and asks “How are you, Mom? Your job still going good?” This is code for can you loan me several hundred dollars.

Beware of any child bringing home an animal swearing they will take care of it.

Beware of any contractor or serviceman who says, “You have nothing to worry about, little lady.”

Beware of looking a kid in the eye while he’s holding a box marked ‘free kittens’ outside of a grocery store.  Just keep walking.

Beware of any man who says, “I’ll call you.” after a first date.

.....Does anything good come from being honest? I mean for real? you know.. letting the cat out of the bag? Even if it wasn’t your cat to let out? But someone asked about the thing in the bag, and bc they were your friend you told them all about the cat?

Beware of the phone call that begins “Hey… are you busy this weekend? NO??? Great! Do you still have that truck?”

Beware the phone call from the husband that begins “I was just reconciling the checkbook when I wondered about this charge...” Paypal transactions should show up as FOOD or GAS on your bank statement…

Beware the conversation with a friend that says: “I saw your daughter/son’s My Space… That sure is interesting”...

Beware when the Wal_mart greeter hands you a map of the store and says...you’re going to need it.

Lisa wrote: “Beware of lip plumping products.” I’d like to add..."beware of layering 3 lip plumping glosses.  Yes, the tingling sensation means its working, but the burning sensation means you should wipe it off--fast.”

Beware of spring-breaking university chemists, who’s idea of a good time is making jello shots in test tubes and 50-ml beakers.

Beware of the reflection in the dressing room mirror when you try on that to-die-for purple satin strapless.  Prepare for eggplant comparisons.

Beware of the pedicurist who will undoubtedly talk about your post-winter feet in a language not your own.

Wow, Avery!  We got a shout-out in Publishers Weekly!  Way cool

And Lisa R, if I see a kid holding a box that says free kittens, there’s a pretty good chance I’m going to wrestle him to the ground and take the box away from him.  What can I say?  I have a weakness.

And I thought of another one:  Beware the wife who asks, “Does this make my butt look fat?” There is no correct answer.

Oh and miss_annalee, I am so cackling about the pedicurist warning!  I can always feel myself shrinking into the chair at the nail salon because I’m convinced they’re all chattering about me and laughing in a vastly superior way.  (Anybody catch the SEINFELD episode where they were actually doing that about Elaine? “Oh, look at the princess!”

terrio said…

Take a deep breath before dealing with your child after finding out she made the cafeteria ladies think you were allowing her to STARVE.

OMG! Hee hee...my nephew (who is a spindly little thing) once sat in the WIC office w/my sis when he was 2 and said “My mommy doesn’t feed me.” My sister about died of mortification. The woman on the other side of the desk laughed so hard.

X-tina, your husband and his air compressor made me think of my bro. He totally would do that! LOL!!!

Beware of academic advisors (due w/a baby in the 2nd month of the semester) who say “Sure. We can get you graduated this semester...” How about August?

LdyB

Haha it is kind of humerous as I wrote it, isn’t it?

*shudders* Picturing that coworker in my top is not something I want in my head!

lol! That poor woman from your church! Luckily it hadn’t been a reference to my weight, just my shirt. If he had the gall to make a reference to my weight, I might have not been responsible for my actions.

*Note: oversized muffins leftover from office meetings make good gagging devices!

Laura T… It will be okay. I think you’ve learned from that mistake.

Beware any machine with slots for quarters when shopping with your three-year-old.

Beware your husband asking “Gee, do you have any ideas for babysitters? I just can’t think of anyone.” This means he has plans and you are going to be stuck at home with the kids… again.

Beware that sexy little thong you found from two years ago when cleaning out your dresser. DO NOT try it on unless you want a trip to the emergency room to have it surgically removed from your butt crack.

Beware the supervisor with the clipboard making a beeline for you. Hide under your desk if necessary.

Beware the people that think it’s okay to talk on the cell phone when they are in a very echoing public bathroom.

This happened to me yesterday.  Needless to say the person on the other end of the phone probably heard everything.

Beware of friends (those named after holiday mascots in particular) calling you up to read you a bumper sticker that reads:

“If you’re going to ride my A$$, at least pull my hair.”

Eloisa---I MARRIED Borat (except for the mustache and wedgies)!!!!  That’s why we get such a big damn kick out of him; his foreignness is WAY too familiar (my DH would be so mad I outed him.)

Christina, my husband cleans my car out with his air compressor.  Right after he’s done, he marvels at it---and then the next morning, when the dust he’s blown sky high finally settles, it looks exactly same as it did before he got to it. 

Liz, your “estimate” and “volunteer” items were too scary to laugh at.  I just can’t figure out which item was scarier.

And I’d like to see Connie look “sassy.” Maybe she was trying to match your hair to your personality (J—ducking and running).

Teresa, 1978?  Please tell me you threw them out.  Please?

Lisa, I’ve tried those lip plumping things--it feels like the damn dentist shot you lips up with novacane.  And plus, after all that drool-causing numbness, they don’t look any different than when you started.

Not that you’re named after anybody, Santa--I, personally, think Santa was named after YOU!!!! 

And I meant to say..."with the same name as....”

Beware of taking your husband to Best Buy, Curcuit City or Comp USA. Chances are you will not leave one or the other without spending a fortune!

Lindsey - my child is 7 and I had to buy her size 12 jeans last week.  To say the least she does not look starved.  LOL!

Beware the sister that calls and says “Have you talked to mom today?” What follows can never be good.

Beware the child that starts with “Telling the truth is better than not telling at all right?”

If you have kids or pets - Beware silence.

Beware the doctor that examines you and just says “hmmmmm”.

Beware of opening emails from certain friends (who shall remain nameless because they aren’t named after any mascot, holiday or otherwise) that contain the words ‘Scots in Kilts’ in the subject line.

Beware of children yelling “Don’t worry mom, he/she is alright!” after you hear an ear piercing screams.

Terri - my son pulled the SAME thing!  Same age too!  We don’t call him ‘Moose’ for nothing!

Beware of standing next to a tall man with pointy elbows.

Beware of friends who say you would be perfect for so-in-so and would you like to go on a blind date with him.

Beware of cats who bring you their toys in bed.  One day it won’t be a toy and it won’t be quite dead yet.

Beware of Basset Hounds who want to kiss you.  More than likely, they’ve been eating the kitty crunchies out of the litter box.

LOL.  Jenn--the top I’m wearing today inspired a comment like that, along the lines of one of my girlfriends saying, “Oh I see you’re wearing the pregnant tank top today.” Gee, thanks.

J Perry--I thought it would be fun to “layer” 3 shades of lipgloss at a cosmetics counter, not knowing that they were all of the lip-plumping variety.  I ended up looking like Angelina with a bee sting.  The burning sensation is probably what hell feels like.

terrio:

if it makes you feel better I once convinced a teacher I had permission to take a kitten home and then tried to convince my mother I found the kitten abandoned.

Jig was up when my mother saw the accompanying box of cat food, kitty litter and toys.

My mother got me to fess up when she said we had to take the kitten back to where I found it cause some little girl was crying her eyes out over her lost kitten.

Why do kids think they can out smart their parents?

We had that cat for a very long time.

To add a few:

to Liz’s volunteer:  Beware the school volunteer who says “could you help with..” or resign yourself to being in charge of it.  (I’ve been spending the day planning an honor’s assembly that I’m POSITIVE I did not agree to be in charge of.)

And:  Beware of saying “I’ll do it if no one else will.” It’s yours.  (3 years as a girl scout leader.)

And to Teresa’s does this make my butt look big - an addendum:  Beware of asking “do you still love me now that I’m fat?” THere’s no way out of that one either.

I’m back to counting girl scout cookie money, my box of Thin Mints by my side.

-Beware the child that suddenly stops playing and says, “Mommy, I don’t feel so good.” Barf is imminent.

-Beware the loud thud followed by silence from where the kids are playing.

-Beware the husband who says, “It will only take me a few minutes to fix that.” 3 trips to Lowe’s, $133, and two years later, my laundry room is still a wreck.  Change the numbers and this can apply to almost every room in my house (as well as the general exterior).

-Beware any conversation that starts with “You promise you won’t get mad?” You surely will.

-Beware ever starting a conversation with the words, “Do you promise not to tell So-and-So I told you this?” They will always tell So-and-So.

bookwormkim said…

Kids who ask if a *couple* friends come over.

Bookwormkim, I actually did that to my Mom when I was in the 5th grade. Invited 12 girls from my class over for a Saturday and forgot to tell her. She only found out that Saturday morning because one of the moms called to ask her if she needed help because there were so many girls. 

Luckily, my Mom was a trooper. She whipped up lunch and snacks for all of us and we laughed about it for years.

Slight update on my little monster.  She tried saying one of her friends forced her to go to breakfast and would give her money.  She also says the days she charged lunch she would eat all her own food as well.

When I opened the printout that showed all the charges for the last two weeks she actually dropped her head into her hands.

Busted!  LOL!

Avoid any movie, play, book, or art show that the reviewer praises as IMPORTANT, that is code word for S#@*.  Run the other way.

There is no such thing as a FREE GIFT from a retailer.  You will pay for it one way or the other.

There is also no such thing as a FREE pet.  I know because I have 4 of them, and they constantly cost a bunch!  It’s a good thing the kids and DH love them.