SquawkRadio

Three years ago when we remodeled the family room we had all sorts of nifty little upgrades done to our house. Some of those upgrades were “have-to-haves” like a new furnace. Some were “want-to-haves” like new carpeting and floor to ceiling cherry-wood bookcases and others were “What-the-hell-since-we’re-spending-money-we-might-as-well-start- throwing it away!” The HD TV straddled the line between category two (wanna) and category three (what the hell) but the TiVo definitely was int he last category. I remember asking my DH about it and his response.

DH: “We have a VCR.”
ME: “But with TiVo, we can watch AND record AND we can fast-forward through commercials.”
DH: “That’s pathetic.”
ME: “You’re point?”

With such unassailable logic backing me, how could I lose? We got the TiVo. Fast forward four years. Guess who categorically, absolutely, and loudly refuses to watch any television program (except sports) in real time? That’s right. Now, the family Brockway would have been content had the technological world stopped evolving at that exact moment. But then, damn their eyes, PLANET EARTH debuted. PLANET EARTH, in case you don’t know, is the most stunning, mesmerising, exciting, sensual visual experience to ever occur on television. And it’s occurring on one of the independent channels. And it’s occurring in High Definition. Pause while Connie whimpers.

“Why, Connie? Why are you whimpering?”

Because our TiVo does not record in High Def. We cannot see each iridescent feather on a hummingbird’s wing or the bristles on a wart hog’s snout. Clearly we needed to. I mean the TV was DH TV for a reason. All we lacked was the means to record this visual feast that we might consume it at our leisure. TiVo have a High Def model! But then we discovered that TiVo’s HD DVD costs 900.00 and then an additional monthly fee on top of the regular high def cable or satellite fee. TiVo, in essence, was trying to screw us! Morally I oppose being screwed. Plus, I’m cheap.

Happily, we discovered that our cable company’s (ComCast) hooks up a HD DVD gratis to their clients who subscribe to their HD channels. Cool! We’re in! Out comes Comcast and fits us up with a DVD recorder...but it’s not a HD DVD, those are back-ordered 6-8 weeks. In the meantime, they have taken away my TiVo and left me with, in a word, a piece of sh**. Really. For example, tonight after a long hard day of editing SKINNY-DIPPING I flopped down on the couch anticipating 40 minutes of unadulterated bliss as I watched Jack Bauer torture his way to nobility only to discover the DVD had recorded SEVEN HOURS of crap I have never even heard of. Worse, it only recorded TEN MINUTES of 24. Argh!

I want my TiVo back. I feel like the dumb high school girl who dumps her boyfriend for the pretty quarterback (or in my case, warthog) only to learn the sad lesson that are more important things than pretty eyes, things like dependability, a “seek by actor” function, and a snap forward fifteen minute button.

But you know what the absolute worst part of this is? I still haven’t seen a single minute of PLANET EARTH in High Def in my own home. Comcast and PLANET EARTH promised to take me to the prom but I’ve only ended up under the bleachers with my skirts up around my chin.

So tell me, anyone else got a TiVo jones? Gone astray and wished you could go back? Anyone have a happily ever after TiVo out there? I’m feeling blue.