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Harlequin Presents. White covers. Clinches. Silly-ass titles. Let’s see how much you know about them.

Which one of these is not a real Harlequin Presents plot?
a) The heroine, an Englishwoman and the estranged wife of a sheik, is kidnapped by the sheik and taken aboard his yacht because the bad guys want to kidnap her and force the sheik to do their will, and they know this will work because everyone knows the sheik is deeply in love with his wife, and the only reason they separated was because she couldn’t conceive a child to be heir to the sheikdom. They can’t seek help with their fertility problems because the ignorant people of his country (who the enlightened sheik is giving education so they won’t be ignorant anymore) would believe that the child isn’t really his, and his counselors are urging him to take a second wife. The heroine refuses to share him, but nobly leaves so that he can create the child that means so much to the sheikdom with a new wife. The sheik and the heroine cruise the Mediterranean, fighting their attraction (unsuccessfully.) They find some compromise so they can be together, fight off take-over attempts, and deal diplomatically with further arguments by the sheik’s diplomatic corps to marry him to a suitable and fertile second wife. Of course, that’s not necessary because their incessant humping has overcome her body’s resistance and she’s pregnant, presumably with a son. And they live happily, wealthily and passionately ever after.

b) Our heroine, an artist, is living on an a lonely island off New Zealand and supporting herself with her painting, when a wild storm hits, a shadowy figure fights its way down the road, and as she watches, a tree is hit by lightning, knocking him out. She saves his life, but he’s stricken by amnesia … and son-of-a-gun, she’s got amnesia, too! She’s forgotten two years of her life. Then, son-of-a-gun, it turns out that he’s the reason she forgot those two years, which she figures out when she gets suspicious and searches his bag and finds his cell phone, which he claims he lost when the lightning struck, and a book on amnesia. He catches her searching the bag, she’s furious and throws things, he tells her she’s his wife and shows her photos that she doesn’t remember, including pictures of a baby boy. (cue ominous music here) They make fabulous love, he leaves her to discover herself, she follows and while on the boat remembers everything, including that they’d had a baby who was killed the same way her mother was killed (in an explosion) which is what made her get amnesia, and after confronting the past they live happily, wealthily and passionately ever after.

c) A young woman gets a job as the secretary to a handsome, dark, wealthy international playboy who has successfully saved his profligate father’s corporation and turned it into one of the richest companies in the world. The secretary dresses in drab clothes because she doesn’t want the hero to hit on her, and since she’s raising her sister’s child as her own she really needs this job, especially since the father, a man her sister described as the worthless younger son of a wealthy Italian/Greek/Australian family, and they want the child. Our heroine is determined to keep the child so it will be raised in a disciplined, yet loving atmosphere. Then our hero sees her playing in the park with the child, realizes she is beautiful without her glasses, that the child is the spitting image of his dead brother, and that the heroine is the one who’s been thwarting his hunt for the child. Infuriated and impassioned, believing that his humble secretary is the mother of the child and knowing that she’s been making a fool of him, he insists they marry or he’ll take the child away from her. On their wedding night, he discovers she’s a virgin, and sweeps her away, seducing her over and over. She falls in love with him, but she knows he intends to divorce her when the child is old enough because of the lies she’s told him.

The answer:
C) is not a real Harlequin Presents. I mean, really. A virgin secretary who doesn’t get pregnant the first time they have sex? Puleaze.

What is the most ghastly boring plot line in the Harlequin Presents line?
a) The secret baby
b) The secret baby
c) The secret baby
d) All of the above

Which of the following titles does not belong in Harlequin Presents?
a) The Millionaire Buys His Virgin Secretary
b) The Sheik Seduces His Virgin Wife
c) The Prince Blackmails His Unwilling Royal Virgin Bride
d) Virgin Scandalous Amnesia Boss Revenge Affair Bed The

A, B, C and D are all great titles.

Okay, so maybe the quiz makes it sound as if I’m making fun of Harlequin Presents. I’m not. My entire house is littered with white covers — except that some covers are so old and have been re-read so many times, they’re yellow and tattered (Charlotte Lamb, anyone?) While I buy by author, if a title mentions a secretary, the book goes in my cart. In fact, that’s one of the things I admire about Harlequin Presents — I don’t even have to read the back to know whether I like the plot line. The title tells me everything I need to know — amnesia, secretaries and sheiks are auto-buys for me. I don’t enjoy all the authors, but I’ll always pick up Robyn Donald, Anne McAllister, Susan Napier and Michelle Reid.

Isabelle Swift, top editor poobah of Harlequin/Silhouette, says, “"I love reading Harlequin Presents because the authors are fascinated by what intrigues me about relationships and romance — the puzzle of how to get along, the battle of two personalities and finding the right balance, a true partnership. They consistently deliver on an emotional plane, and emotion — love — is capable of miracles. Indeed bringing a brilliant, bullhead billionaire to his knees. Literally. Monthly. Who could ask for anything more?” She also told me that in eBooks, right before the movie THE DAVINCI CODE came out, Presents titles were #1 and #2 on the bestseller list above the book — and they continue to be top sellers.

Why am I such a fan of Harlequin Presents?

Because they carry on the tradition of pure romance. They don’t mess around with subplots and secondary characters. They’re not interested in politically correct heroes. All their heroes are big, brawny, devilishly handsome and uncompromisingly alpha. The heroines are intelligent, feisty and virginal. In 200 pages, the hero and heroine fight through Big Conflicts (check out the plot of A in the first question — THE SHEIKH’S CHOSEN WIFE by Michelle Reid) to a true love forever. The writing can be delicate, sensual or funny (the first line from Anne McAllister’s GIBSON’S GIRL impressed me so much I can quote it almost exactly from memory — Gibson Walker stared at the six naked women dancing before him, and all he could thing was … Why aren’t there seven?)

Most important, the sexual tension is palpable. The hero and heroine are always opposites. Tough/delicate. Aggressive and sexual/innocent. Vengeful/peacemaker. Dark and dominating/bright and soft. The epitome of male and female. He is always angry, bitter, determined to take his revenge/have his way with her. Yet no matter how reserved, shy, kind and artless the heroine is, she always wins. Wins his love, wins his fortune, wins, his protection, wins his dedication, wins his admiration. Wins the best sex in the history of the world. She binds him in her arms.

I love Harlequin Presents, and even if you don’t read them now, I’ll bet at some point in your life, you have. What do you think? Are Harlequin Presents too simplistic for you? Do you hate the alpha-jerk-hero guys? Are you a fan? What do you think the appeal of Harlequin Presents are across all cultures and through all languages?

And don’t forget to check back later when I’ll be announcing the winners of our membership drive contest!
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