SquawkRadio

KITTY: Yeah! That’s right, Squawker Losers. This here’s a picture of me and my pal, J.R. WARD catching a little girl time on the beach. After we trolled for beach bikers, I loosened her up with a little herbal “tea” and we got chatty. The following is taken verbatim from the taped conversation. Brockway added the sound effect descriptions and, I might add, took a little creative license.

Kitty: Okay, I’m gonna be honest here, first impression of J.R. Ward? Disappointingly elegant. J.R., babe, the whole vampire loving Brotherhood of the Black Dagger thing misled me into thinking you’d be a girl with tats. Prison tats. Like mine. So, how’d a nice girl like you develop this fiendishly dense, 3-D vampire world? Did you wake up one morning and say, “Today, I create worlds?” And while you’re at it, pour me another cup of that herbal goodness, too.

J.R. WARD: Actually, I was struck by lightening and decided to go with the madness.  And you know what the added bene was?  I now glow in the dark- without having my butt plugged into the wall.  Very handy attribute especially during tornado season.  I mean, previously I was SOL if I didn’t have an extension cord or if the electricity was out.

(unpleasant snorting sounds)

KITTY: J.R. you’re suppose to drink the tea, not snort it. Atta girl. Did you build the Black Dagger world slowly or did you pre-plan the rules before Book One? And how the hell do you keep everything straight? Have you paneled your office in dry erase board?

J.R. WARD: I keep it straight because my brain is like a filing cabinet.  I think it’s the lawyer in me.  And my office is paneled in… well, hell, a whole lot of nothing.  I need a decorator.

KITTY: You got these six enormous, powerful stud muffins with teeth. Do you own a Hog?

J.R. WARD: Yes.  I keep it in my basement and feed it chunks of mailmen and meter readers- oh, wait, did you mean motorcycle?  Ah… strike that last response.  Yeah, I don’t know anything about hogs.  Or mailmen.  (unpleasant slurping sounds) Um… meter what? And you’re right, tea goes down easier this way.

KITTY: Forget it. I digress. You started with DARK LOVER, then went to LOVER ETERNAL, then LOVER AWAKENED, and now you’re at LOVER REVEALED. Vamps are dying, but more are being exposed, if you know what I mean. How many more Black Dagger books will be forthcoming?

J.R. WARD: Originally there were just going to be ten, but now the series is open ended.  Because let’s face it- writing about male vampires with tats and leathers is the best job on the planet.  Well, except maybe being Hugh Jackman’s tailor.  Now there’s an inseam I’d like to meas- damn, what did you put in this tea?  It tastes a little funny and I have this mad urge to gum flap.

KITTY: Nuthin’! You, ah, don’t have a urine test scheduled this week, do you? (J.R. Ward’s response at this point is unintelligable) Good. So, wanta reveal a few juicy clues? Come on, honey. Liz promised me a bottle of tequila for every exclusive I dug, I mean I charmed out of you. Be sweet. Reveal.

J.R. WARD: Reveal?  Um… I don’t really know you that well but here.  (flapping sound like she’s ripping open a raincoat) Hey!  You don’t have run screaming from the room!  Look, you wanna buy a watch?  How about a knock-off handbag?  Two for one and I promise you I’m wearing a bikini under all this black market stuff.

KITTY: I’m screaming because Eloisa gave me one of those Gucci bags for Christmas! She said it was from Florence! That cheap (expletive deleted) !  Stay on focus, Kitty...Your books make with the details and, well, the testosterone. One disaster falls on another. Reading you is sort of like watching CSI Las Vegas. Or Snake Pliskin. You a fan of either? What do you read/watch/do for inspiration and ideas?

J.R.WARD: I’m inspired by- what?  Oh, yeah, sure.  I’d like some tea.  What were we talking about?  You don’t remember either?  Well, what do you know, we both suffer from the neurological disorder CRS.  Go fig. 

KITTY: Yeah. Fine. Don’t Bogart that teapot. Hand it over. Come on! That’s better. Now, before you were J.R. Ward, you wrote straight romance and still do. What’s with that? You have a really strong work ethic, a huge mortage or, as Medeiros suggests, the creative process is enhanced by the, er, double-dipping. Okay, she didn’t say ‘double-dipping,’ but she was starting to wax eloquent and I fell asleep. You get my drift, though, right?

J.R.WARD: Double… er… dip?  OMG I feel so dirty.  I knew I was going to like you. (unpleasant sounds of mutant species recognizing one of their own kind followed by a low five and a knuckle pound)

And I’d have to go with the work ethic response.  I hate down time and if I’m not writing I get twitchy.  Which is not pretty.  And makes strangers think I belong in a mental ward… or working as a model for bobble head dolls or as a paint mixer or a Fribble machine… or ...

KITTY: You’re twitching.

J.R.WARD: More tea please?  That (expletive deleted) is very calming.

KITTY: (sound of crockery clattering) Crap! I spilled. (sigh) How are writing the two different? Either one more fun than the other?

J.R.WARD: No, they’re both good.  I mean, how do you pick between Twister and Monopoly?  Both are equally fun when played naked- what?  I’m just keeping it real!  Oh, come on like you’ve never taken a ride on the Reading RR in your skivvies?  And everyone likes to land on green.  Admit it.  You’ve done it and LOVED IT.

(unpleasant sounds of Kitty giggling) KITTY: Ohhh. Lookee here, Xtina (aka the Troll) has just texted me with the following question: “How tall are you and can I have some?” You know when I met Christina she was at least three inches taller but time and gravity…

J.R. WARD: Yeah, I’m a long/tall, all right.  Kind of like a good gin & tonic.  Well, except I don’t sweat in the heat. (Background sounds as if Kitty is saying “Well, not too much.” ) And I don’t make your ankles swell.  Hey, that happens if you drink too many T&Ts in the summer!  (T= Tanqueray of course.  And I’m not speaking from personal experience with the ankles.  Not.  At.  All.)

KITTY: Sure. I believe you. I know you were involved in hospital administration and are a lawyer. Aren’t they like as dry as ...well, doctors? I mean, did you develop your rich interior life a means of coping with the fact that you had to deal with health care all day?

J.R.WARD: Are you kidding me?  Doctors are hot.  They’re real life heroes.  (Kitty snorts)Plus they have clean hands which is always a plus.

KITTY: Okay, time for the fun part of the interview, where we get up close and personal.

J.R.WARD: Wait, you asking about my hog wasn’t personal? 

KITTY: Finish your tea. If you were a U.S. coin which one would you be?

J.R. WARD: Um… I’d have to say a silver dollar.  Why?  Because then I wouldn’t have to worry about getting fed into a vending machine, dryer or old fashion phone.  I have a fear of cramped dark places. 

KITTY: Hell Boy or Dr. Strange?

J.R. WARD: Hell Boy.  Defo.  Can’t beat a big guy with sawed-off horns in his forehead.  You’d always have a place to hang your Red Sox hat.  Plus he was kind of f-ugly so you’d want something in front of his mug.

KITTY: Eat in or take out?

J.R. WARD: Neither.  My art sustains me- (unpleasant sound of coughing) I feel a little dizzy.  But in a good way.  Can I have more of that tea?

KITTY: Later. Ski Vermont or Aspen?

J.R. WARD: Are you insane?  Wait, you think I’m going to plug myself into a pair of two-by-four filets, drag myself up the icy puss of a mountain, and swish-diggity down the thing until I yard sale in front of a bunch of hot men dressed in front-zipper Gortex pants- while breaking a leg?  Look, there’s a reason that sport has a term called a “Fall line” and it’s not because people keep have it easy keeping their snowsuits on the vertical.  BLEH. 

The question should be Ibiza or St. Tropez?  Answer: Ibiza.  With a certain friend of mine.  Two words:  Sling-shot.  Viewing.  Or is sling shot two words?  (giggling. Impossible to tell if it’s Kitty or J.R. Ward as both are equally unpleasant) Wheeeeee I like this tea… hit me again there, your Earl Grayness.  Or is that Greyness?

KITTY: Yup. I got another thermos right here. I think we’re done here. Stupid Squawkers should be happy with this. If they’re not they can get (expletive deleted) themselves.  Thanks, J.R.  Hey. Wanta see my “Beavis and Butthead” tattoo?

J.R. WARD: For God’s sakes woman!  Who told you that’s Beavis and Butthead??  Looks like two pigs fighting under a blanket.  And I mean that in the nicest, most supportive way.  Here, take this towel and um… yeah, wrap that (expletive deleted) back up, girl.  There you go.  God, this tea’s made me sleepy.  I feel like I need to just put my head down for a minute.  I’m really tir- ZZZZ z ZZzzzzzZZZZZZ *snort* ZZZzz