SquawkRadio

Besides the obvious, I mean, which would be seven-figure contracts, single-digit placement on the New York Times list and a night with (choose one): Gerard Butler, Denzel Washington, Orlando Bloom, Jimmy Smits, Daniel Craigh, Hugh Jackman, All of the Above.

I resolve that for every concert Terri attends featuring Bon Jovi or Donny/Donnie Osmond, she will also attend one featuring Los Lonely Boys or Dr. Michael White.

I resolve that for every photograph Christina e-mails us that depicts the breathtaking mountain vista view outside her office, she will also send us one of the Mordor that is her front yard.

I resolve that for every mouthwatering menu Connie sends us of the luscious eighteen-course dinner she prepared from scratch the night before (along with descriptions of each course’s wine selection), she will eat an Egg McMuffin, along with one of those plastic cups of apple juice where you have to peel off the foil top.

I resolve that Lisa will actually get angry over something anger-worthy this year instead of being so !@#$ing gracious all the time. Or that she’ll at least get vexed. Or perhaps piqued. Or, jeez, say “Darn it” or something. Man.

I resolve that Eloisa will stop being so lazy all the time and do something worthy with her plethora of free time besides writing bestselling novels, being the Shakespeare scholar at one of the nation’s top colleges, going on speaking engagements all over the country, being featured in national publications, caring for two kids, cavorting with an Italian knight and looking stunning in whatever rag she drags out of the closet.

Happy New Year, Squawkers!