SQUINTY CHAINS STORMWATCHER (aka Christina Dodd) HAS PIRATTITUDE!
Do you want to talk like a pirate? Sail the seas and loot rich sailing ships? Wear stolen jewels, spit and fart, and apply mascara with Johnny Depp?
Hey, who doesn’t? That’s why all of us potential pirates need a book called PIRATTITUDE — So You Want to be a Pirate? Here’s How! by John “Ol’ Chumbucket” Baur and Mark “Cap’n Slappy” Summers. Even before Disney made the movie PIRATES OF THE CARIBBEAN, these guys had a real sense of how cool pirates are. They christened September 19 Talk Like A Pirate Day, “an original concept created in a moment of temporary insanity.”
But this book is more than a moment of insanity. If you read it cover to cover, the insanity lasts more like a couple of hours.
What is pirattitude? Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket define it as “the swagger in your walk, the growl in your voice, the wicked gleam in your eye … You’re harming no one, but no one is going to harm you, either.” Things that have pirattitude are beer, pizza, duct tape, and Godfather I and II. Things that have no pirattitude are drinks with umbrellas, veggie pizzas with wheat crust, artichokes and goat cheese, hot glue guns, and Godfather III. See? Pirattitude is easy to recognize.
Want to know how to talk like a pirate? Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket have helpful quizzes:
Which phrase best fits the description of being the opposite of “Avast thar, ye scurvy dogs!”
a) Keep going, gentlemen, don’t stop for little ol’ me!
b) Wait, I have good news for you about our Heavenly Father!
c) Stop that! I am not a cuddler!
d) Run for your lives! We’re being attacked by children with daisies!
Want to know how to insult like a pirate? Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket have lists, one of modifiers and the other of nouns. So you pick one or two from the modifier list, stick them with a noun, and you can call your boss a barnacle-bottomed, kelp-festooned bilge monkey. (Note: For continued employment, Squinty Chains Stormwatcher does not recommend this.)
Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket help you translate terms for the doctor’s office:
-Nurse=Me angel of mercy
-Turn your head and cough=Surrender or die!
-Proctological exam=Visit the poop deck
And give suggested Pirate Sermons:
-Walking on Water — and Other Things to Do When You’re Drunk
-Thar Be Too Much Goddam Blasphemin’ Goin’ On!
-Hell and Other Places That Seem Nice When Compared to Service in the British Navy
Want to dress like a pirate? Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket have tips:
If you have a pierced ear, a big thick gold hoop is very helpful. But not too big. This isn’t Talk Like Liberace Day.
Want to know what your pirate name is? Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket have a chart, and I’ve been amazed by how well the names fit the personality. For instance, Lisa Kleypas is Slippery Spyglass Slappy. Anyone who knows Lisa’s deeply hidden personality knows this is perfect!
Once you know your pirate name and how to talk, walk, dress, and behave like a pirate, Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket have an application for employment on their ship, The Festering Boil. One question shows that they have a true understanding of what’s important on a pirate vessel:
#8 - Are you a woman disguised as a man to stow away on a pirate ship for adventure? Yes/No
Please note: A “Yes” answer does not necessarily eliminate you from consideration. It simply allows Cap’n Slappy to get cleaned up for your interview.
Ahhhh, romance!
My family found PIRATTITUDE at the bookstore, promptly bought five copies (gifts!), and all the way home, my daughter Arwen (or ARRRRwen as we now call her) read us excerpts. We laughed loud enough to make drivers in other cars swerve away. Sadly, the only thing this book lacks, and it is a grievous lack, is a picture of Johnny Depp. But please note, I have searched far and wide and reviewed every picture to bring you just the right photo of our man Cap’n Jack Sparrow. For some reason, I chose pictures with long swords and telescopes and mizzenmasts and flames … I’m sure there’s no symbolism there.
So, me squawkin’ maties, now ‘tis time to see if ye’ve larned the proper PIRATTITUDE. This is a test!
Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket list the top ten pick-up lines for male pirates (Prepare to be boarded!), female pirates (Come shows me how ye bury yer treasure, me lad!), and gay and lesbian pirates (Wanna take a trip to the Isle of Streisand?)
Make up a proper pirate name, identify yerself, and harpoon us with yer witty pirate pick-up lines!
Note #1: me own ball-and-chain has suggested, “Avast, bawdy wench! Wanna walk my plank?” accompanied by a leer and wink.
Note #2: It’s getting him nowhere.
Note #3: All right, me hearties, if we swill enough grog and plunder enough doubloons, Cap’n Slappy and Ol’ Chumbucket might stump over an’ encourage us by snarling at us in Pirate Speak. That is, of course, if they can figure out how to sign in, technology not bein’ good PIRATTITUDE.